The Narrows: Day 3 – Sunday August 14th

Today we got up to do The Narrows hike. We all had our asses kicked from Angel’s Landing the day before, but The Narrows hike is way easier and almost all through water. We were leaving camp and Kris noticed my dirty underwear on the ground. He said, “I wonder if a squirrel is gonna chew the crotch outta yer panties.”

Danielle was walking and said, “Oh my legs….oh my back….oh my everything.”

The Narrows was really amazing. You’re just down in this narrow canyon wading through this river bed. Sometimes the water was waist high, and in some parts Danielle and I could barely stand. It was so amazingly beautiful though. We rounded a corner and there was a shaded area out of the way with a bunch of soft sand. We laid down and rested and snacked for a while. It was crazy to look up and see the walls of the canyon and think of the flash floods that have come through there and killed people. We didn’t take our cameras because of the water factor so unfortunately I don’t have any pictures of this part.


Tired Little Chinese Eyes and Nudeing Up in the River: Day 2: Saturday August 13th

Much to our dismay we discovered that our air mattress leaks like a loose asshole. This sucks balls and Kris and I have not slept very well. Outside of the tent is antville, but Danielle slept out there anyway to be under the beautiful full moon. She claims the ants do go to sleep. She busts in the tent in the morning though, announcing that the ants have woken up. I roll over and lay on her sleeping bag pad – “This mat is luxurious.”

Kris: You look like a 5 year old with your hair all….disheveled.

Danielle: And look at your tired little Chinese eyes.

Tired little chinese eyes.....

Morning cuddles

After we collect ourselves and eat, we set off to do the Angels Landing hike, which Kris says will be life changing. It’s a short shuttle ride and a beautiful walk. The hike started out easy – we walked along the river and then started winding up the mountain on long curvy paths that gradually ascend. Eventually we got to the back side of the mountain and it was really beautiful. Super shady and like we were in the forest instead of the desert. We stop to squat and pee because Kris says it’s about to get super narrow and we’ll have no privacy.

Angel's Landing - we hiked to the top of that peak. 1400 feet.

Our super cool hole on the backside of Angel's Landing

A bit excited about our hole....

Crazy lady takin pics from the edge...


The path starts getting steeper and then we get to the switchbacks. The fucking switchbacks. Ick.


Then we get to the narrow scary part of the hike where there are big signs informing you of the recent fatalities. It’s like nothing I have ever seen before. I am afraid of heights, so this is big for me. Kris says if I make it to the top he will think I’m so bad ass and sexy. This is good motivation. It’s seriously a fucking crazy hike. You are literally walking up the side of a cliff on a very fucking narrow path that is for two way traffic, which makes it even crazier. There are steel poles and chains that you can hold on to and pull yourself up with. I can’t even describe it. Fucking nuts.

We fed him. Don't tell.


A nice warning

A perspective shot....taking a break before continuing up the scary ridge.....

Looking down from one of our resting points

So. Fucking. Pooped. And look at cool cucumber Kris in the background.

Once you’re at the top though, it’s pretty fucking amazing. Kris got up way before Danielle and I did. Then we congregated with some other people in the shady part of the top of the cliff and rested before we trucked back down.

Looking down...

Resting at the top....

View from the top

Danielle feeding a squirrel at the top

The crazy chains

Looking down on the switchbacks

We were beat to shit after that hike and it was so hot out. We started early so thankfully the most difficult part of the hike was in the beginning when it was still cool out. As were coming down we were passing people who were just starting the hike….crazy fuckers. Danielle and I wanted to get naked and be in water.

Kris: There’s a fuckin’ river. You could nude up.

Danielle: Canoed up? Are there canoes?

We cut across a field and Danielle and I ran out to the water and took off all our clothes. It was so refreshing to sit in ice cold water after being so hot like that.

The giant white lady that could float away on her ass cheeks...and her dwarf friend.

We got ice cream at the general store on our way back. We were walking with it and just licking the scoops with our tongues. We got back to camp and Kris in his red neck voice said, “You both got ass cream on ya faces.”

Kris eatin his ice cream and pumping up our newly acquired air mattress

We were eating greek yogurt and raw honey and there was a bee all up on our honey.

Danielle: Maybe he’s taking some honey back to his queen.

Kris: Bees don’t take honey, they make honey.

Danielle: Well maybe he’s taking some already made to his queen. Maybe they crochet buckets and carry shit around. You don’t know.

Then Kris comments that the kids in the camp sound like “Horkin pigs and screechin bastards”.

I went into the tent to grab something and had to kill some ants. I exclaimed, “I’ve committed a murder in here.”

Danielle: Did Kris ever get his blood work back?

Katie: What? Yogurt?

Danielle: Huh? Yogurt? No, blood work.

We were all just dead tired and laying around the camp site. It was rocky on the ground so Danielle and I were laying across the picnic table benches. Kris wanted to lay too so I moved to the top of the picnic table. Danielle said, “Sometimes I think about walking.” I lifted my head up to look at her. She laughed and said I had chip crumbs all smashed to my face. It was time to leave the camp site. We wandered down to the water and it was much better being lazy around there.

Kris: Did you see that chick? She was boobalicious.

Katie: What? Ebola?

Danielle: Huh? Hooters? Wait – what the hell is ebola? Did you mean e-coli?

Katie: No. I meant ebola.

Danielle: Well I’ve never heard of it.

Kris: I said ‘boobalicious’. And ebola is a virus.

Danielle: Ebola…..Who does it?

Kris: What do you mean ‘Who does it?’ It’s a fuckin virus. It eats your skin.

Later Danielle had an epiphany: “Long ago people used to think that weather was because they did something wrong. Like it was the universe showing them. So that’s why kids and animals are afraid of thunder. Because it sounds like God is gonna beat the shit outta you. “

Then the moon came out and it was super bright. Danielle and I were in shallow water with amazing feeling sand that we rubbed all over ourselves. We had a deep conversation about where sand comes from.

Playing with settings trying to get pictures of the moon

Kris and I discovered that if we don’t connect every day (sex, a meditation, a really good cuddle session) that everything goes to shit. This was a really important lesson, yet so simple. Most of the time it happens naturally, but it is so worth making the time for.

Bad Ass Tunnels & Life Story Telling: Day 1 (Friday August 12th)

7:00am Alarm goes off. It’s too early. I didn’t sleep well last night – too excited.

7:30am Breakfast. Coffee. IPOD playlist finagling.

8:00am We discover that the dry ice we had acquired the night before has severely shrunken.  Danielle goes out for more.

9:00am Everything is in the car. There is no room for people. Somehow we make it work, leaving behind a few things for Tracy to take with her.

9:30 We have a full tank of gas, some pictures of the fucked up scene inside the car, and we’re on our way. Kris starts telling us the story of his life.

A hot man driving

11:30am We stop at a Uhaul store in hopes of regaining our sanity. A one way trailer rental is ass rape. We consider a roof top cargo bag.

12:00pm Meet my adorable sister for lunch. Bask in the sunny, yet perfectly cloudy weather as we dine on the patio with the most amazing food ever: BBQ chicken salad, fudgy brownie, peach lavender smoothie, almond butter Perfect Food bars.

Yes. I am related to this beast.

Danielle's Hole Before.....

1:00pm Back to the Uhaul store. Purchase a rooftop cargo bag and some rope.

Much better.....

1:13pm Discover that the rope isn’t good enough. Go back in for ratchet straps. These are the real deal. I like watching Kris do man stuff like muscle down ratchet straps. Danielle and I rejoice in our luxurious roomy seats in the car.

1:30pm We are on the road again. I put the giant ass lens on my new camera and practice taking pictures in sport mood. I get a few strange looks. Danielle and Kris say I look like a spy. The lens is not inconspicuous.

2:40pm Stop for gas. Kris comments that the rooftop bag is “Performing smashingly”. We are all in love with and in awe of the bag. We stop at a lookout point for a pee break.

Who you lookin at?

3pm to 6pm – We each tell our life stories. While talking about conception, The Sponge came up:

Katie: I was conceived because my mom and dad were in Prescott and they were out of The Sponge, but they decided to go ahead and have sex anyway.

Kris: I used to use The Sponge a lot. I loved it.

Danielle: What the hell is The Sponge?

Kris: The sponge is sort of like a cap that goes in and up to your cervix. It absorbed the semen….or blocked the absorption…or whatever the fuck happens up in the vagina.

6:10pm – we arrive at Zion. We go thru a cool tunnel. Kris comments: This is a bad ass tunnel. We’re winding through roads and Danielle and I are snap happy with our new cameras. Kris says – “Ooooo take a picture of that functioning Down’s kid.”

Approaching Zion

Not the bad ass tunnel, but a pretty nice tunnel

6:30pm – we get to our campsite. It’s kind of gay, but it’s right by the bathroom. The campsites are all in rows and you are right on top of each other. There is a parking spot, a smooth area for the tent, a picnic table and lots of shade. There is a couple next to us with an obnoxious baby. They also play Indian music loudly starting too early in the morning. None of us mind the music, but think the family is kind of douche on principle to assume that everyone will like their music.

8pm – Camp is set up. Watches taken off, technology put away. Dinner. Bed.