I want to reuse that bag later, dickheads.

Day 21 Saturday, September 28 Breakfast in Vernazza, Gelato in Milan, Sleep in Copenhagen

This morning we had breakfast at a little cafe overlooking the sea in Vernazza. Then we saw our hot waiter from Thursday night stumble in and sit down with the hot pizza place girls who were also having breakfast at the same cafe. It was fun to see the town come to life before the tourists arrived on the late morning train.

I wanted Kris to get a picture of our hot waiter:

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Afterwards we hung out in our hotel bar until our train came. And had this beautiful latte:

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Then we hopped on a train to Milan, which was a little over a 3 hour ride. The first part of it was super beautiful because we were still riding right up the coast of Italy. In our train car with us was this so fucking annoying older couple. They shouted loudly at each other and their friend from another car came and stood in the doorway of our doorway and shouted too. Then they made some motion for me to throw away my paper pastry bag after I stuffed it in my purse. What fucking business of theirs is my trash? I want to reuse that bag later, dickheads.

Later on I said all of that to Kris and I said, “They were such pieces of shit!” and he said, “Well….they were Germans…..”

We arrived in Milan and started wandering around. It was such a bull shit city. Everything was dirty and there was tons of awful graffiti everywhere. Everyone was rude, there was tons of traffic and it just looked like any other random city. There was nothing specia about Milan.

Thankfully we did find a gelato place and it was very spectacular. After that though we just headed to the airport, hours early, but not before I guerilla peed. We were walking down a very busy street and there was a big swanky hotel with a huge lawn and lots of trees for cover. Loads of peole walked by but I’m sure they had no idea what I was doing.

We did have super delcious food in the airport though. So we went out on a good note.

Copenhagen’s aiport was easy to naviagate and we got on the subway to meet our hosts – an adorable Danish boy who stayed with us in Phoenix last year.

Here is his house:

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Brilliant Ass Washing Machine

Day 19 Thursday, September 26 Tuscany & Vernazza

This morning Kris said, “It sucks I’m on a night time poop schedule.” I said, “I’m mostly in the morning, but later morning, so kinda back to normal. But it’s no poop alarm clock, that’s for sure.”

Alexandra drove us to catch our bus to Grosetto. We had a very sweet goodbye.

We stumbled into a fucking fantastic place in Grosetto where we had two perfect lattes, two croissants and two sandwiches – one was a croissant with salami and cheese, the other was focaccia bread with cream cheese, arugala and prosciutto. Both were fucking to die for. We hit the grocery store for train snacks and then set off for Vernazza. These were taken from the train:

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After a two hour ride we got off and were in the fucking land of retard tourists. It was literally an elbow to elbow sea of retards getting off the train. For a second I was like….ohmygod – am I in Honolulu again? Is this going to be so not worth it?

But, thank fuck, it totally was. Vernazza’s amazingness way makes up for the load of idiots that are constantly roaming the streets.

Our hotel was super adorable – the Pensione Sorriso. Bed was super comfy and the shared bathroom was totally cute and clean and we never had to wait. Plus, we had a sink in our room so we both mostly peed in the sink, reserving the community bathroom for pooping and showers.

View from our room, and a little outdoor shower on the deck:

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We immediately set out for gelato, which was easy to find as there is basically only one street to the town. There were 3 gelato spots in town and we tried them all that afternoon and then just lounged by the water.

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We hiked up the hill and had dinner on a cliff side over looking the water. Our waiter was so fucking hot. He put his hand on my shoulder. My left shoulder. He squeezed it.

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Kris pooped after we got home and I asked him, “Did you wash your ass in that awesome bidet?” Kris: Well of course I did! Why would I waste an opportunity with a brilliant ass washing machine?

Just regular old tomatoes, de-fucking-hydrated

Day 14 – Saturday, September 21 – Breakfast in Rome, Dinner in Tuscany

It’s funny – I had goodle’d “best breakfast in Rome” because I forgot that Italian’s don’t actually eat breakfast. They drink espresso and have a pastry. So that’s exactly what we did.

Just a few blocks from where we were staying there was a little cafe called “Friends” where we had (aside from that French cafe run by the German couple on Kaua’i) the best lattes of our entire lives. I realized that the test of a great latte is that it can be served in a glass without a handle because it’s the proper temperature. The milk should not be so hot that you can’t grab the glass with your bare hand, and not so hot that you can’t drink it immediately. The espresso should be smooth, not bitter tasting or burnt. And there should be there perfect layer of thick creamy foam on top. We have been so conditioned to drink shit coffee and think that’s just how it is. No wonder I always needed to put loads cream and sugar in anything I ever drank.

We savored that shit, along with our two croissants, which were filled with the most delightful lemon cream.

Shortly after we headed back to the train station and easily found our train. It was super new and comfy and we had a table in our little nook.

After a quick 90 minute ride we got off in Grosetto and bought bus tickets inside the train station. We were told the bus stop was just outside to the right. But we didn’t exactly know what bus to get on. So I just started poking my head in to each bus that pulled up and asking “Montenero?”, figuring someone had to say yes eventually.

The fourth or fifth bus did, but the driver said something in Italian about the town of Paganico. I gathered it was that we needed to change buses in Paganico. The bus ride was stunning – weaving through tiny little roads through the hills of the Tuscan valley. We got off in Paganico, as did two other girls. The driver was saying something to all of us in Italian. I had absolutely no idea what he was saying so we just followed the other girls hoping we were all going to the same place. The girls walked along the back of a building, through a parking lot and to another random bus stop. Thankfully there was a bus already waiting there and the driver said yes to Montenero. That was another beautiful bus ride. The driver let us out at the one stop for Montenero and guestered up the hill at the town.

My phone wasn’t working so we couldn’t call the Paolo at the naked farm. We saw a sign for Teranera (the farm) that pointed up the hill towards the town. So we started huffin it up the fucking hill. At the top of the hill it pointed down a path for Teranera. We followed the path and continued following the signs, which led us on a fucking hike

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Finally, we arrived, two miles of uphill later, and everything was just as it should be.

When we first got there I didn’t see Alexandra (the girl that worked there when I was here 3 summers ago), but she popped out a few minutes later and I was glad she was as excited to see me as I was to see her. We went into the kitchen and chatted for a bit and then she showed us where we’d be staying. There weren’t any guests at the moment, aside from Paolo’s friends from Russia, so we were lucky and got to stay in the the small apartment all by ourselves. How nice! I was expecting to be in a tent like I was before. We showered and got unpacked and by the time we were done, Paolo had surfaced. He is such a cute old guy. He is pushing 70 and is still so sharp and in such great physical shape.

While Alexandra made us dinner, Kris and I took a walk around to see everything. There are two swimming pools, a tennis court, outdoor showers, 5 horses, 6 geese, 6 puppies, a couple of big vegetable gardens, the olive trees, the grape vines, and the other houses on the property.

As we were walking back to the main house the dog, Tommy, ran up to us and was growling a little bit (maybe because the girls had just brought the little puppies inside for the evening? And Tommy was feel protective?) but it didn’t seem like any big deal. But he ran right up to me and bit the holy shit out of my leg! I’ve never been bitten by a dog before. It was so lame.

Alexandra saw the whole thing and felt so bad. She brought me inside and gave me disinfectant spray and bandages and an ice pack. It hurt like a bitch the whole rest of the night, but it seems like I’m going to live.

Alexandra made us dinner which she apologized was just leftovers. The leftovers were delicious – pasta with tuna, cous cous and vegetable salad, another salad of fresh greens from the garden, and wine. It was so yummy.

They had jars of sun dried tomatoes curing in the kitchen that had been dried in their brand new dehydrator. For the first time in my life it occurred to me that sun dried tomatoes are just dehydrated tomatoes. Is that not the stupidest thing ever? My whole life I have loved sun dried tomatoes but never imagined what the secret recipe was to make them. And this whole fucking time they were just regular old tomatoes de-fucking-hydrated. It almost topped my “I can’t believe it’s not butter” revelation.