1. After I poop, I wipe a couple of times, and then on the last pass I spit on the toilet paper and press the paper against my bee hole predominantly with my middle finger, so that my middle finger sort of dips into my bee hole and gets the last little bit of anything……wait. Doesn’t everyone do this?
So, even though in my last fucking blog post I was all like, “OMG it’s been so long since I’ve posted – I’m going to post way more often….” Here I am, two goddamn months later, having not said a word since my last post.
I could write a novel about the last two months because they have been packed with awesomeness, however – I’ll just stick to the highlights:
- Catering the Willo Historic District Home Tour Volunteer Appreciation Dinner with Denise. A lovely, upper-middle-class gay man (which I aspire to be. Minus the gay part. And the man part) hosted it at his ridiculously decked out pad. Gotta love those homosexual professionals with all of that disposable income. I ended up getting pretty mother truckin tipsy and got lots of complements on my classy white lacy apron.
- I met with a lovely woman whose placenta I prepared some months ago. We have kept in touch and I have randomly baby sat for her. She took me to coffee and asked if I would be interested in going to Kauai with her to help with her baby. Um, yes please. She is awesome, so is her husband, and her baby is goddamn adorable. I will have my own room in a sweet two bedroom condo they have rented, all expenses will be covered, and I am genuinely looking forward to spending time with them. And – my boyfriend will be meeting me out there once the family goes home so that we can have a little Hawaiian vacation of our own.
- Kris and I bartered with a supremely talented photographer. We spent a few horus cleaning her house and she spend an afternoon photographing us in downtown Phoenix. She took some totally amazing photos that blew our minds. In case you’ve been under a rock and haven’t seen them – here they are: PHOTOS
- The 1 year anniversary Pap Party – if you haven’t been to one yet – you need to fucking go! Typically, my vagina goes on stage around 8:30. No, seriously. It’s a wonderful night of wine and food and conversation, and they always do a “Public Cervix Announcement” where a pelvic exam is done publicly – all the lady parts are pointed out, and you are talked through the exam step by step.
- Kris’ friend Jamie’s surprise party. It was a Pretty in Pink themed party. To gear up for it we watched Pretty in Pink for the first time. It was basically the worst movie ever. But I’m sure if I had seen it when I was younger it would’ve been the bees knees. But seeing it for the first time as an adult was boring as hell.
- ASH. Oh my god, Ash. This adorable British boy who stayed with us. He arrived in the middle of the night, so we didn’t actually meet him until the morning. We walked out bleary eyed having just woken up, and it was like coming out to see an old friend sleepign on our futon. Within 30 minutes we knew all about his penis and his sexual adventures since being in America. It was awesome. We ended up spending most of the time he was here together – showing him around, eating, hanging out. Turns out he works for a chef, oh – uh, maybe you know him – Jamie Oliver! And Jamie Oliver is friends with Chris Bianco, who owns an extremely famous and impossible to get into pizzeria here in Phoenix. Jamie Oliver gave Ash Chris Bianco’s cell phone number, Ash called him and the next night the 5 of us (Ash, Kris, me, Tony & Sarah) were in. We arrived and were whisked next door to Bar Bianco and given generous pours of wine on the house. Then we were whisked back next door to a table set and waiting for us. And the pizza – fuuuuuuck. I don’t even know what to say. It was just fucking mouthwatering.
- I have started going to an awesome women’s group every Tuesday night. If you’re in the Phoenix area – you should join me some evening. It is seriously fun. And it’s not your typical group of fat tubby complainers bitching about their lame kids and husbands.
- We’ve tried a few new restaurants around town – Arrogant Butcher (delicious, but overpriced and way mainstream), Scratch (a French Cafe with a lovely patio and atmosphere, but fucking comicly bad service and sub par food), BLT Steak on Camelback Mountain (amazing patio and fantastic happy hour), and The Breakfast Club – by far our favorite spot – excellent service, great food, well priced, and a great patio.
- All the free outdoor yoga! I love spring time in Phoenix. It seems every weekend there is a free class in the park, or on the lawn at some swanky resort.
- I went to my first networking group. It was good because it was a group specifically for businesses that target pregnant women and young families. I’m not sure if I’ll go back, but it was definitely worth going to that one time.
- Arcosanti! I went for the first time with my lovely friend, Leita. She is getting married there next month and is getting Kris and I a room there, and paying me to be her bitch the day of the wedding.
- Tea time with my new friend, Jodi. She made some delightful chai tea from scratch – heavenly!
- A walk on a lovely day with Carly. She has a facebook crush on me, which I think is the coolest thing ever. She cracks me up on facebook, and is even funnier in person – I love that. Most people aren’t at all like who they seem to be on facebook.
- The Mercy Gilbert Luncheon. Mercy Gilbert hospital in the east valley does a quarterly luncheon for doulas, home birth midwives, hospital midwives, and L&D nurses so that everyone can get together and bridge the gap between home and hospital care – because a lot of times there has to be both. Selena Nelson, a wonderful home birth midwife, gave a very informative presentation on home birth midwives obtain their license. Belinda Hodder gave a heartbreaking presentation on what hospital midwives have to go thru to practice. Did you know that all midwives are required to do peer review? For home birth midwives this means that a bunch of home birth midwives get together, go over some select cases/patients/mothers, and “review” them – what they would have done, what should have been done differently, etc. Hospital midwives have to do the same thing. Except who reviews hospital midwives? Obstetricians. And the midwives don’t. get. a. say. The is unbelievable to me, and so grossly unfair on so many levels. Home birth midwives get to practice so autonomously, while hospital midwives are constantly critiqued and on ice with obstetricians. Isn’t this 2013?
- I usually don’t do overnights with postpartum doula clients, but I was asked by a woman whose placenta I did if I wanted to do a few overnights for her. I didn’t really want to, so I geuinely sat down with myself and thought about what it was worth to me. It was ofcourse an outrageous number, but I threw it out anyway. And the woman didn’t even blink an eye at it. And it ended up being a super coosh and easy job. So awesome!
- Kris and I started going to Golds Gym downtown. There are several guys there who are built like wild fucking animals and just running around the gym lifting weights, doing chin ups and yelling.
- Girl’s Night at Hanny’s. A group of us got dressed up and sat at the bar. A man at the other end of the bar bought us all a round of drinks. That was so classic and flattering.
And now some classic funnies and one liners:
- Sarah (while looking thru my wedding album):How’d you meet your husband?……Me: Well, I was blowing a guy on this park bench in new york city
- Sarah (after hearing me express my hesitation with lesbian sex) “Yeah. I don’t wanna scissor with any newbies.”
- Katie, to Ash: You’re sleeping on top of a shake weight. And against a poop stain. I can’t believe you haven’t moved your pillow.
- Kris: Yeah. I’d say our lives are pretty spontaneous. I mean – we’re going to In N Out Burger at 10:30 on a Tuesday night after picking up a placenta.
- Todd, to me: Hey – do you want my old chap stick, since you don’t give a shit about germs?
- Kris: The other day I crawled up in that sink and used it like a bidet
- Katie: Wait….you just plunged your hand into the toilet of piss and grabbed it? Tony: Well yeah. I mean – c’mon. I wipe my ass with rocks!
- A guy emails me in response to our room for rent ad on Craig’s List: Is this a serious listing? I don’t see how anyone could fit your criteria or would want to have to adapt themselves to be what you want. Good luck though. My response: We’ve had an overwhelming response to our ad (as we always do) and are actually creating more space to accommodate even more awesome people. Go fuck yourself, Bob!
- Me, to Kris: I told him how I greased up yer butthole.
Inappropriate Yoga Talk & Behavior:
- “This is a whores pose”
- “Can you see my tits?”
- “I can smell your feet. And it makes me wanna vomit”
- “Fuck yeeeaaaaahhhh.”
- “I can feel your dick in this one.”
- “No. Just…..no. I’m not doing that.”
- “Put your fucking head against mine!”
- A butt hole was poked
- The small boob was grabbed
- A ballsack was damn near cupped.