Stop playing with your fucking unibrow. You look like an asshole.

Day 33 Thursday October 10 (and the following week)

Today we flew from Dublin to New York, took a train to Grand Central Station, had dinner in NYC at our favorite buffet and took a train to New Haven to stay with a friend, Melissa, we had never actually met in person. And that was the beginning of a most unexpectedly delightful week. Melissa and I “met” when I rented her apartment in Brooklyn for a vacation in 2005. Some years later we ended up Facebook friends and then I got the urge to stop in new haven on our way back to Arizona. She was totally down with that, so here we are!

Melissa has a super cute renovated house in New Haven. She made up her sofa bed with shit tons of pillows and blankets so we slept in this great nest all week. And the whole week was just – coffee, breakfast and conversation in the morning, relaxing days, and cooking + wine + more conversation at dinner and late into the night.

To top it all off, our fantastic friend Sarah is temporarily living in New Haven and we got to spend all kinds of time with her.

Highlights of New Haven:

-a day trip to New York City
-Cinnamon roll french toast at the pantry
-The garlic festival
-Sarah giving me a copy of The Holographic Universe
-Walking around the Yale campus
-pizza at Frank Pepes
-Harold the dog
-galavanting around Boston with Sarah
-Leaning against Paul Reveres house talking about catheters and dick cheese
-Brunching in Worcester talking about low hanging ballsacks dipped in poop.

While siting at Frank Pepes I asked Kris to go find out where the bathroom was because I hate aimlessly wandering looking for the toilet. He said, “Why? Why? Why? But why? You’re a grown ass woman.”

I burped at lunch and Kris said, “That was HIGHLY inappropriate. Those people looked over at you.”

Katie: why did you have to grab, like, my one white t shirt to use as a cum rag? I have a shit ton of black ones. You need to wash this skank cum shirt right away.
Kris: It’s not as skank as the dirty ass underwear.
Katie: You mean your pair of underwear that I’ve been wearing for two days?
Kris: No. I mean my underwear that I have t changed since we arrived in Connecticut.

“Stop playing with your fucking unibrow. You look like an asshole.”

Katie: (sings Whitney Houston)
Kris: Oh my god. Stop singing that song. Stop. Just stop it.
Katie: If you keep me talking I won’t sing. Talk to me. Ask me anything, anything at all.

Looking at a Tumblr porn page:
Katie: That’s a nice dick.
Kris: that’s a big fucking circumcised piece of shit. That’s not a nice dick. At all.

Katie: You skip around a lot when you’re walking.
Kris: I just like to stay on my toes.
Katie: I’m gonna call you skipper.
Kris: great. Call me skipper. Skipper Cheese Dick.

Sarah’s “I didn’t realize a Carmel Apple latte had coffee in it” face

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Brunch at The Pantry

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Street theater in new haven

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Pizza at frank pepes

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Autumn in Connecticut

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Alphabet City

Day 4 New York City Wednesday, September 11, 2013

12pm take train to the lower east side and start walking into Alphabet City.
12:30pm walking up Avenue D – Alphabet City is nice because the subways don’t come to this neighborhood at all, so you’d have to walk or take a bus, which most tourists wouldn’t do. So it feels like a very authentic part of the city.
1pm walk around Tompkins Square Park and arrive at Ninth Street Espresso.

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They only serve espresso and you choose the amount of steamed milk ordering either 3, 6, 9, or 12 ounces. Kris chose a 3 ounce, and it was one of the best he’d ever had – he ordered a second one strait away. We also shared a chocolate croissant (buttery, flaky and the perfect amount of soft chocolate chunks) and a home made pop tart – that was insane. Totally melted in your mouth. And you can sit in the window with a lovely view of the park.

2pm Continue on our way down 7th Street on this walk. We really enjoyed following it, and it was by far one of the cutest streets in New York.

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We stopped in Butter Lane Bakery where you make your own cupcake. You choose vanilla, chocolate of banana cake and they have a variety of frostings. Delicious.

3pm Reach the end of 7th street and the end of the walk, go around the corner back to Washington Square and lounge in the grass. It is hot as hell and super humid so the shade feels so nice.

3:30pm Grab food from the buffet at Space Market. New York has amazing buffets – always a variety of hot and cold food and it’s all super fresh and delicious. We took it back to the park for a little picnic.

4:30pm Head back home. Pack. Train to the airport. Overnight flight to Dublin. Flight isn’t bad and actually goes by really fast. Aer Lingus has a nice entertainment system and they feed you dinner and do several beverage services. And we were in our own row. So nice.

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Happy 3 Years to us!

Oh! I have a cousin who’s black!

Day 2 Monday, September 9, 2013 New York City

11:00am start rolling around on the futon, waking up, thinking about breakfast
12pm take the train a few stops down to Root Hill Cafe. Coffee. Almond Croissants. Planning our next move.
1:00pm wander through some lovely Brooklyn neighborhoods on our way to Adam Yauch Park. Kris takes a photo to prove to everyone on Facebook that he was there.

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1:03pm walk down to Brooklyn Bridge Park. Get a tiny bit fucked because the park isn’t totally finished, so we can’t actually walk all the way to the bridge without back tracking.
1:30pm make it down near the bridge, sit on a grassy hill with a gorgeous view of the sky line and take some much needed time to stretch
2:30pm start looking for food. stumble upon a cute sidewalk cafe and have the best polish food we’ve ever had in our lives. Kris has a big plate of pierogis and I have 3 potato pancakes. The side dish of sour cream is as big as my face.

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4:00pm Head back home. Shit, shower and change to go into the city.
6:00pm noshing at the french cafe near Bryant Park. We’re not totally hungry, but know we’ll need something before we sit for 3 hours for Phantom. Kris has a waaaaay overpriced ham and cheese sandwich, but thankfully my strawberry shortcake is to die for. Fresh berries, fresh cream and a buttery biscuit.
7:00pm Consider hanging out in Bryant Park, but there is some obnoxious lady with a microphone leading about 200 people through a square dance lesson. We get as far away from that as possible and end up hanging out on the steps of the New York Public Library for a bit.

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7:45pm In our seats for Phantom. They are fucking awesome. The show was pretty amazing. It’s baffling what they can do with costumes and stage effects. I totally bought that they were on a fucking boat. Amazing.

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10:45pm Show is out. We are starving. Yelp nearby restaurants, but it’s all touristy crap catering to the theater crowd, or crappy diners since it’s so late. Hop on a train and head to Cafeteria
11:00pm happily seated at Cafeteria noshing on Chicken & Waffles and Mealoaf.

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11:15pm Witnessing the awful first date that is going on at the table next to us. A black guy and a white girl. The food comes and white girl says, “Bon Apetit” and black guy says, “Huh?” and has no idea what she’s talking about.
11:17p Black guys asks white girl if she likes to dance. She says, “Yes! I just took a west coast swing lesson a few days ago.” Black Guy: “What’s that?”
11:20pm: White Girl: “Oh! I have a cousin who’s black!”

I told him how I greased up yer butthole

So, even though in my last fucking blog post I was all like, “OMG it’s been so long since I’ve posted – I’m going to post way more often….” Here I am, two goddamn months later, having not said a word since my last post.

I could write a novel about the last two months because they have been packed with awesomeness, however – I’ll just stick to the highlights:

  • Catering the Willo Historic District Home Tour Volunteer Appreciation Dinner with Denise. A lovely, upper-middle-class gay man (which I aspire to be. Minus the gay part. And the man part) hosted it at his ridiculously decked out pad. Gotta love those homosexual professionals with all of that disposable income. I ended up getting pretty mother truckin tipsy and got lots of complements on my classy white lacy apron.
  • I met with a lovely woman whose placenta I prepared some months ago. We have kept in touch and I have randomly baby sat for her. She took me to coffee and asked if I would be interested in going to Kauai with her to help with her baby. Um, yes please. She is awesome, so is her husband, and her baby is goddamn adorable. I will have my own room in a sweet two bedroom condo they have rented, all expenses will be covered, and I am genuinely looking forward to spending time with them. And – my boyfriend will be meeting me out there once the family goes home so that we can have a little¬†Hawaiian¬†vacation of our own.
  • Kris and I bartered with a supremely talented photographer. We spent a few horus cleaning her house and she spend an afternoon photographing us in downtown Phoenix. She took some totally amazing photos that blew our minds. In case you’ve been under a rock and haven’t seen them – here they are: PHOTOS
  • The 1 year anniversary Pap Party – if you haven’t been to one yet – you need to fucking go! Typically, my vagina goes on stage around 8:30. No, seriously. It’s a wonderful night of wine and food and conversation, and they always do a “Public Cervix Announcement” where a pelvic exam is done publicly – all the lady parts are pointed out, and you are talked through the exam step by step.
  • Kris’ friend Jamie’s surprise party. It was a Pretty in Pink themed party. To gear up for it we watched Pretty in Pink for the first time. It was basically the worst movie ever. But I’m sure if I had seen it when I was younger it would’ve been the bees knees. But seeing it for the first time as an adult was boring as hell.
  • ASH. Oh my god, Ash. This adorable British boy who stayed with us. He arrived in the middle of the night, so we didn’t actually meet him until the morning. We walked out bleary eyed having just woken up, and it was like coming out to see an old friend sleepign on our futon. Within 30 minutes we knew all about his penis and his sexual adventures since being in America. It was awesome. We ended up spending most of the time he was here together – showing him around, eating, hanging out. Turns out he works for a chef, oh – uh, maybe you know him – Jamie Oliver! And Jamie Oliver is friends with Chris Bianco, who owns an extremely famous and impossible to get into pizzeria here in Phoenix. Jamie Oliver gave Ash Chris Bianco’s cell phone number, Ash called him and the next night the 5 of us (Ash, Kris, me, Tony & Sarah) were in. We arrived and were whisked next door to Bar Bianco and given generous pours of wine on the house. Then we were whisked back next door to a table set and waiting for us. And the pizza – fuuuuuuck. I don’t even know what to say. It was just fucking mouthwatering.
  • I have started going to an awesome women’s group every Tuesday night. If you’re in the Phoenix area – you should join me some evening. It is seriously fun. And it’s not your typical group of fat tubby complainers bitching about their lame kids and husbands.
  • We’ve tried a few new restaurants around town – Arrogant Butcher (delicious, but overpriced and way mainstream), Scratch (a French Cafe with a lovely patio and atmosphere, but fucking comicly bad service and sub par food), BLT Steak on Camelback Mountain (amazing patio and fantastic happy hour), and The Breakfast Club – by far our favorite spot – excellent service, great food, well priced, and a great patio.
  • All the free outdoor yoga! I love spring time in Phoenix. It seems every weekend there is a free class in the park, or on the lawn at some swanky resort.
  • I went to my first networking group. It was good because it was a group specifically for businesses that target pregnant women and young families. I’m not sure if I’ll go back, but it was definitely worth going to that one time.
  • Arcosanti! I went for the first time with my lovely friend, Leita. She is getting married there next month and is getting Kris and I a room there, and paying me to be her bitch the day of the wedding.
  • Tea time with my new friend, Jodi. She made some delightful chai tea from scratch – heavenly!
  • A walk on a lovely day with Carly. She has a facebook crush on me, which I think is the coolest thing ever. She cracks me up on facebook, and is even funnier in person – I love that. Most people aren’t at all like who they seem to be on facebook.
  • The Mercy Gilbert Luncheon. Mercy Gilbert hospital in the east valley does a quarterly luncheon for doulas, home birth midwives, hospital midwives, and L&D nurses so that everyone can get together and bridge the gap between home and hospital care – because a lot of times there has to be both. Selena Nelson, a wonderful home birth midwife, gave a very informative presentation on home birth midwives obtain their license. Belinda Hodder gave a heartbreaking presentation on what hospital midwives have to go thru to practice. Did you know that all midwives are required to do peer review? For home birth midwives this means that a bunch of home birth midwives get together, go over some select cases/patients/mothers, and “review” them – what they would have done, what should have been done differently, etc. Hospital midwives have to do the same thing. Except who reviews hospital midwives? Obstetricians. And the midwives don’t. get. a. say. The is unbelievable to me, and so grossly unfair on so many levels. Home birth midwives get to practice so autonomously, while hospital midwives are constantly critiqued and on ice with obstetricians. Isn’t this 2013?
  • I usually don’t do overnights with postpartum doula clients, but I was asked by a woman whose placenta I did if I wanted to do a few overnights for her. I didn’t really want to, so I geuinely sat down with myself and thought about what it was worth to me. It was ofcourse an outrageous number, but I threw it out anyway. And the woman didn’t even blink an eye at it. And it ended up being a super coosh and easy job. So awesome!
  • Kris and I started going to Golds Gym downtown. There are several guys there who are built like wild fucking animals and just running around the gym lifting weights, doing chin ups and yelling.
  • Girl’s Night at Hanny’s. A group of us got dressed up and sat at the bar. A man at the other end of the bar bought us all a round of drinks. That was so classic and flattering.

And now some classic funnies and one liners:

  • Sarah (while looking thru my wedding album):How’d you meet your husband?……Me: Well, I was blowing a guy on this park bench in new york city
  • Sarah (after hearing me express my hesitation with lesbian sex) “Yeah. I don’t wanna scissor with any newbies.”
  • Katie, to Ash: You’re sleeping on top of a shake weight. And against a poop stain. I can’t believe you haven’t moved your pillow.
  • Kris: Yeah. I’d say our lives are pretty spontaneous. I mean – we’re going to In N Out Burger at 10:30 on a Tuesday night after picking up a placenta.
  • Todd, to me: Hey – do you want my old chap stick, since you don’t give a shit about germs?
  • Kris: The other day I crawled up in that sink and used it like a bidet
  • Katie: Wait….you just plunged your hand into the toilet of piss and grabbed it? Tony: Well yeah. I mean – c’mon. I wipe my ass with rocks!
  • A guy emails me in response to our room for rent ad on Craig’s List: Is this a serious listing? I don’t see how anyone could fit your criteria or would want to have to adapt themselves to be what you want. Good luck though. My response: We’ve had an overwhelming response to our ad (as we always do) and are actually creating more space to accommodate even more awesome people. Go fuck yourself, Bob!
  • Me, to Kris: I told him how I greased up yer butthole.

Inappropriate Yoga Talk & Behavior:

  • “This is a whores pose”
  • “Can you see my tits?”
  • “I can smell your feet. And it makes me wanna vomit”
  • “Fuck yeeeaaaaahhhh.”
  • “I can feel your dick in this one.”
  • “No. Just…..no. I’m not doing that.”
  • “Put your fucking head against mine!”
  • A butt hole was poked
  • The small boob was grabbed
  • A ballsack was damn near cupped.

The End