Lazy or liberated?

This article totally inspired me today, as did a conversation with one of my closest girl friends, and an awesome CST session I had a couple of weeks ago.

I love the synchronicity of everything because when I try to find a “starting” point for this story, I could just keep going and going and going back. But I have to stop (er…start) somewhere.

I had a friend call saying she was auditing a CST course and they needed volunteers for practice sessions on the last day. I of course went and was lucky enough to be paired with my friend, who I have shared amazing healing sessions with in the past.

The session was wonderful, though I didn’t walk away feeling profoundly changed or moved right away. This is sort of my M.O. – it usually takes a bit for things to fall into place for me.

The few days after the session I was sleeping like crap. Mind racing, laying in bed so fucking tired physically, but with a mind that felt like I’d just drank 4 cups of coffee. It was awful. It didn’t even occur to me that it’d have anything do with the session until a couple of days in. Of course it did. My body was totally processing all of the shit that had come up. Derp. I texted my friend, who suggested some rescue remedy and epsom salt soaks. I also grabbed a homeopathic for sleep while I was at it. That night, I slept like a baby after a little bit of self care.

During that same time I had a profound experience with a placenta. I brought it home and felt very heavy in my heart as I was setting it out on my table. I couldn’t tell why and thought maybe I was just being emotional since I hadn’t been sleeping well, maybe I was about to start my period, whatever. Bull shit excuses. My logical mind trying to make sense of the fact that I literally sat down next to the placenta, hand on top of it, bawling like a baby.

I dropped the finished placenta off and forgot to include the placenta print I had made. This prompted mama to share with me that she would be grateful to have the print as she had miscarried a twin early on, but had not passed the twin – it had fused to the placenta. THAT was exactly what I was feeling. The essence of that sweet baby who was there and gone all too soon.

Now – the first thing that hit me was why had I not shared my experience with the mom right off the bat? I had judgments about her that made me uncomfortable to share with her. I was embarrassed at my experience. I lacked confidence that I had felt anything “real” that would make sense to her. All kinds of shit like that was coming up for me, specifically related to more feminine aspects of myself that I wasn’t honoring as valid experiences. I was uncomfortable with myself, and I was doing that thing we all do when we’re uncomfortable – blaming it on the woman (me) being “too emotional”, “too sensitive”, “it must be that time of the month”, etc. What the fuck is that?

Also in this time we had some couch surfers request to stay. My boyfriend asked what I thought and my instant reaction was “No”, but then I felt bad. I felt like I “should” host them. That I “should” give them somewhere safe to sleep. That I’d want to someone to do that for me so I don’t want to put out “bad travel karma” by not doing it for someone else. I was feeling very emotional (it was the same day as the placenta) and like I was processing all kinds of things, but I didn’t honor that at all. A friend pointed out that if I had been physically ill I wouldn’t have hesitated to turn the travelers down. Why did I not have the same respect for what I was experiencing energetically? And why did I feel such responsibility for these travelers? Like I’m the only fucking host in Phoenix? That their salvation is in my hands? What a load!

As my boyfriend was texting these travelers back I said, “Ok, but tell them that they can’t come until after 9 or something. No. No, wait a minute – just tell them the truth. Tell them we’re fine with them sleeping here, but we are not up for company or hanging out.”

At least my throat chakra came out for a minute there.

Even that – why was my first instinct to lie? Why not just be honest? Who am I trying to impress? Whose feelings am I worried about hurting? What the fuck is my deal?

The travelers ended up coming, and it was ok, but we definitely shouldn’t have hosted them. It wasn’t about the travelers. It was about me and my total lack of regard for what was best for me. I even made assumptions about how my boyfriend felt. I assumed he wanted to host the travelers, and I didn’t want to disappoint him by saying I didn’t want to. In reality – he didn’t give a fuck. He would’ve been happy to do or not do whatever felt good to me.

And “Bad travel karma”? That is such bull shit. Karma isn’t tit for tat. And maybe karma is bull shit to begin with. But even so – you get back what you give, although I don’t believe it’s in the sense that the universe is keeping score. It’s not host a traveler and be hosted. Hold a door open for someone and someone will hold a door open for you. It’s  do good things and good things will happen to you. In general.

Speaking more to the article I posted above, which is titled “Puzzle Pieces: Letting Relationships End” – this is a belief that has made sense to me for a while.

I totally believe that some people come into my life for a very specific purpose, to inspire a great action, to teach a lesson, to nurture me through a difficult time and then we drift apart. Sometimes dramatically, especially if one person is not wanting to let go, wanting to make sense of it all, etc.  Mostly it’s totally natural. There’s no big event, there’s not even anywhere you can really pin point “the end”. It just happened.

Take my marriage for example: it was with my then husband’s support that I was able to dive head first into the unknown and become self employed as a doula. It was becoming a doula that made me realize how much in my life that I believed was total crap, and he did too. We changed our eating habits, phased chemicals (cleaning stuff and personal products) out of and off of our bodies, went to our first yoga class together, meditated for the first time together, became profoundly changed people, together.

Now, that’s not to say that our relationship didn’t end dramatically (it did), but looking back – it totally makes sense to me now and I’m grateful we were together, and am just as grateful that we’re apart now because in the end we were holding each other back and would’ve continued to do so.

A few weeks ago I made a list of the things that were flowing in my life and the things that were feeling resistant. The resistant list was very short, and the flowing list was long. Though often it can feel the opposite because the resistant things feel so much heavier, and they tend to be the things we talk about the most. Ever since that sort of realization I have been consciously putting my energy towards the things that are going well, and spending much less energy on things that are not going well. It might sound silly, but some examples are not getting caught in negative threads on facebook, not reading the comments at the end of articles, not replying to some strange emails I’ve received (where a response would’ve been pointless anyway), not pursuing relationships that have fizzled, etc. Maybe that’s lazy, but I don’t care.

It’s totally liberating.



Finally! An article that perfectly expresses the beauty of non-traditional relationships (like the one I’m in)

This is one of the best articles I have ever read on this subject of non-traditional relationships: My Two Husbands

Please read the article as it perfectly explains my life, and it inspired this somewhat rant-y blog post.

The author of that article writes so well. Literally every line I was nodding in agreement with and felt almost a sense of relief that someone had articulate so well what is always so hard for me to explain. She says, “Jealousy is born from a fear of losing a partner; if you believe that love and intimacy can be shared, and are not diminished by sharing, then that fear loses a lot of its power. It was liberating for my husband to step outside of the box that saw everyone else as some kind of threat.”…….”we seek to understand why we’re feeling insecure. Rather than saying, “You can’t do this with this other person,” we try to pinpoint what’s missing from our own relationship. We say things like, “I’m having a hard time, and I could really use some quality one-on-one time with you right now.” Being able to ask for what you need — rather than direct negativity at a partner’s other relationship — is vital in a polyamorous relationship. Opening ourselves up in this way was a revelation for my husband and me. We became more connected with each other than we’d been in years.”

I think this is necessary for all relationships, not just polyamourous ones.

She goes on to say: Even people who don’t vilify us still have a great deal of misconception. Aren’t you just “having your cake and eating it too,” they ask me? (we get this all the time and it can feel very hurtful and disrespectful).


One example, and this isn’t anything different, it just happens to be one of the most recent ones: A few weeks ago Kris and I were at a restaurant with 3 friends. One of them was a new friend we didn’t know very well. A cute guy walked by and I made a comment about him. The new friend looked surprised, confused, maybe even offended, and asked Kris how this made him feel. This kind of question is always so foreign because this way of being is normal for us, and we forget that it’s not for most other people. We just said something vague about having a different sort of relationship dynamic. She asked what we meant by different. We were both at a loss for words and just said, “Uh….you know…..sort of like an open relationship.” She got “that look” and said, “Oh, ok.”

It’s frustrating because I don’t like labels in general, but especially the term “open relationship”. It’s not correct at all, but for some reason, maybe because it is a term most people have heard before, it seems to be what we say a lot to people who have questions – especially if we don’t have a lot of time to explain, or don’t feel like explaining. “Open relationship” conjures up images of random causal sex with all kinds of different partners. And that’s not what our relationship is like at all.

We went on to explain a little bit more the best we could, but we didn’t do our relationship justice at all. This new friend said the same thing that most people say, “Oh, yeah, well you guys don’t have kids, so…..” We also get, “Oh, yeah well you guys are so young”. I get that logic, but it’s a very condescending thing to say. It makes us sound like two college kids who are just sowing our wild oats. It diminishes our love for and our commitment to each other. I also think it’s something people say  because they are incredibly uncomfortable and afraid of the subject, and throwing the kid card or the age card in the mix immediately separates them from us and gives them a convenient excuse. It’s sort of an interesting defense mechanism because we didn’t ask why they are not in an open/poly/alternative/whatever-you-wanna-call-it relationship. We don’t give a shit. Yet people seem to feel the need to give the reason why they aren’t doing what we’re doing. Also – we’re not that young. This particular woman was only a few years older than Kris (he’ll be 38 next week). We’ve both been married, divorced, single, lived alone and know what we want and who we are as people. This isn’t a phase we’re going through and it’s not because we’re extremist hippies determined to live unconventionally.

We talked about it later that night, about how we might better answer that questions, since we get it all the time and will probably be answering it for the rest of our lives. We decided a better term would be that we’re in an extremely honest relationship, or maybe even using the term polyamory. We aren’t silly enough to think that just because we are committed to each other that some light switch went off and we don’t notice the opposite sex anymore. If a guy walks by and he’s cute – I say it. Kris usually notices cute guys anyway because he knows my taste at this point. The fact that I find someone else attractive has nothing to do with Kris. It doesn’t mean I find him less attractive. If Kris likes someone else and wants to have sex with her – it’s not because he doesn’t want to have sex with me. If I want to cuddle with a friend, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to cuddle with Kris or that I don’t get enough cuddling from Kris.

We operate very genuinely and from right here, right now. Not from past hurts, old baggage, or heartache. Sure, sometimes we have stupid arguments and we are both reacting or being triggered. But we always get to the bottom of it, pick it apart and think of what we’ll do differently next time. And for the most part – we operate from the present, and rarely have disagreements that last longer than two minutes and don’t end well immediately.

I don’t think monogamy is bad, not at all. It clearly works very well for some people. I just look forward to the day when “alternative” relationships aren’t so alternative, and get the same level of respect.