Pissing In strange places

As I sit here, about to head home after 6 weeks away, I’m reflecting on two common themes from this trip: pissing in weird places and sleeping in weird places.

I have pissed:
-in a hotel room sink in Vernazza
-in Tupperware in London
-In a cashew jar in London
-on the lawn of a fancy hotel, Guerilla style, in Milan
-in a drinking glass that I periodically dumped into the grass outside my sleeping quarters in London
-in a home made tin foil funnel feeding into a kombucha bottle in the back of a four runner in a train station parking lot (attempted, but failed)

I have slept:
-on a futon in Brooklyn
-on a bed in Manchester
-on a boat floating on the Thames river
-on a sectional couch in Greenwich
-in a loft bed in Rome
-in a 300 year old stone wall apartment in Tuscany
-on a foam pad in Copenhagen
-a futon identical to mine in Germany
-in a “tool shed” in London
-on a sofa bed nest in new haven

We have experienced such amazing things on this trip, the most important and memorable being all of the relationships we formed, and the open arm welcomes we got everywhere we stayed. It was very humbling. The kindness we received is unforgettable.

Huge thanks to all of the people who made this trip possible – it was a group effort!

-Todd, for taking us to the airport
-Matt, for letting us crash at his apartment in NYC
-James, for giving us his bed and showing us the best time ever in Manchester
-Sally, for letting us couch surf in London
-Alexandra and Paolo, for taking us in like family in Tuscany
-Klaus and Viktor for showing us around Copenhagen and housing us
-Our beautiful German friends for pampering us in Wettenburg
-Sarah, for giving us her bed in Stockholm, sharing her box of wine, and giving us her bus pass
-Melissa, for the nest, the great company, and the naughty professor Tumblr page
-Prikryl, for driving us to Boston, for finding Twisted Fork, for the book, and for being all around the most delightful, genuine person ever.
-Marissa and Anthony for taking us in on our last night!
-roomies for taking care of the birdies
-Denise, for taking us home from the airport
-Stacie, for picking up and starting a placenta for me!

Think of all the underwear I haven’t bought in the last five years…..

Day 22 Sunday, September 29 Copenhagen

Skype’d with my sister this morning. She did a fashion show of the lingerie set she bought for her anniversary. It had a cat’s face on the butt of the underwear. It was $120, hand made, silk. I gasped at the price, but she reminded me – “Think of all the underwear I haven’t bought in the last 5 years…” This is true, as she never ever wears underwear. Even with jeans. This blows my mind.

Around lunch time we headed out with Klaus to meet up with Viktor and they both took us on a guided walk of the city. It was so fantastic to not have to think about anything, and to just follow around locals.

We walked up to this huge container ship – the largest one in the world – that is currently docked in Copenhagen:

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We walked along the water for awhile, checked out the Marble Church, some royal buildings and then got take out at tiny Italian place run by a real Italian guy. Kris got amazeballs lasagna, I got a roast beef sandwich and we had tiramisu to split – one of the best I’ve ever had. We ate it here:

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Then we walked up to the top of this crazy ass church. It was basically like paying to experience my own worst nightmare. It was 400 steps to the top. I counted because that was the only thing I could do to keep me from spazzing out since I’m afraid of heights. It worked. And it was worth it.

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Afterwards they took us to this crazy village – Christiania. They have completely separated themselves from the rest of the country….sort of like Vatican City. It was full of amazing art, beautiful houses, cafes, cool people and tons of weed and hash that everyone was selling just like a booth at a farmer’s market. It was the craziest thing I have ever seen in my life. There were older people, young people, babies, kids, dogs – all just playing and having a great time. They don’t allow pictures, but I took these two before I found that out.

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He’s just lookin for some deer pussy

Day 23 Monday, September 30th Copenhagen

Today I had a fucking near death experience coming face to face with a horny male deer. I had read about this park in Denmark that is fantastic for deer watching – particularly from mid September to the 1st week of October. How perfect is that? So, we thought a lovely start to our day would be to check out this fucking park, obviously having no idea that it would be a death trap.

It started out as a beautiful woodsy park. We saw a cute little deer off in the distance eating grass. Another deer by the path just hanging out. It was amazing to see so many deer up close like that! I have never seen anything like it.

And then – the roar. OHMYGOD the roar of a horny deer will haunt my dreams forever. We’re just walking along, like a couple of dopey tourists, taking pictures of the cute ass deer when out of nowhere this HUGEASS deer with the most gigantic horns I’ve ever seen in my life starts roaring and running around. Running towards the female deers, sure. But also running across our walking path and totally making eye contact with the humans. I was just not having it. My boyfriend went closer than I did. Plus, he just wanted to get to the restaurant, which was farther into the park. But this involved crossing the path of the horny deer. No fucking way. I took this video (http://youtu.be/lKERsYJPLPs) which doesn’t even come close to capturing the roaring.

Kris kept trying to get me to calm down saying things like:
He’s just trying to ascertain humans from deers
He’s just lookin for some deer pussy
He just wants to drop some seed

None of that worked.

Eventually the bull deer ran off deep into the park and hopefully got laid and calmed the fuck down. At the other end of the park we came to this really beautiful old amusement park. It was closed for the season, but was totally open so you could walk through it. It was a little eerie walking through a totally lifeless amusement park like that. But it was really cool.

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Later on Kris commented about the dog shit situation. Denmark is super clean and orderly, but there is dog shit everywhere. Strange. We passed a little girl on the street and I said, “Oh my god she’s so cute!” Kris said, “Yeah. She was Danish as fuck.”

Later on we were arguing and it prompted him to say, “I’m going to take a shit on your face while you’re sleeping.”

I was rambling on and on about something and I said, “Do you sometimes wish I had an off switch?” He said, “No! Of course not.” Then a few minutes later he said, “Well, if you had an off switch – I’d turn you off and fuck you in your ass.”

We had dinner back at the house with Klaus and his 5 roommates. They are all in their super early 20s and live in this big stylish house that’s decorated really nice and has great furniture and is very clean and orderly. They all take turns cooking and share meals every night and live in such harmony together. You would just never see a group of 20 something guys living like that in the U.S.

I want to reuse that bag later, dickheads.

Day 21 Saturday, September 28 Breakfast in Vernazza, Gelato in Milan, Sleep in Copenhagen

This morning we had breakfast at a little cafe overlooking the sea in Vernazza. Then we saw our hot waiter from Thursday night stumble in and sit down with the hot pizza place girls who were also having breakfast at the same cafe. It was fun to see the town come to life before the tourists arrived on the late morning train.

I wanted Kris to get a picture of our hot waiter:

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Afterwards we hung out in our hotel bar until our train came. And had this beautiful latte:

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Then we hopped on a train to Milan, which was a little over a 3 hour ride. The first part of it was super beautiful because we were still riding right up the coast of Italy. In our train car with us was this so fucking annoying older couple. They shouted loudly at each other and their friend from another car came and stood in the doorway of our doorway and shouted too. Then they made some motion for me to throw away my paper pastry bag after I stuffed it in my purse. What fucking business of theirs is my trash? I want to reuse that bag later, dickheads.

Later on I said all of that to Kris and I said, “They were such pieces of shit!” and he said, “Well….they were Germans…..”

We arrived in Milan and started wandering around. It was such a bull shit city. Everything was dirty and there was tons of awful graffiti everywhere. Everyone was rude, there was tons of traffic and it just looked like any other random city. There was nothing specia about Milan.

Thankfully we did find a gelato place and it was very spectacular. After that though we just headed to the airport, hours early, but not before I guerilla peed. We were walking down a very busy street and there was a big swanky hotel with a huge lawn and lots of trees for cover. Loads of peole walked by but I’m sure they had no idea what I was doing.

We did have super delcious food in the airport though. So we went out on a good note.

Copenhagen’s aiport was easy to naviagate and we got on the subway to meet our hosts – an adorable Danish boy who stayed with us in Phoenix last year.

Here is his house:

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