Was it cat sex or was it a human noise?

Our friend Ben sleeps over sometimes and we always have fun and say great things.

Ben: Katie, you’re like a pornographic cartoon character.

Katie: But this isn’t pornographic.

Ben: I k now. but you’re not wholesome enough to be in a regular cartoon. You’re rhetoric would have to be censored and that’s just not possible.

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Kris: You’re like a cat.

Katie: Oh yeah? Well – you’re like a dog. That rapes cats.

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(this said after Kris amazingly avoided me smacking his ballsack)

Ben: Damn, Kris was like a ninja. He’s Captain Reflex.

Kris: She beats my balls all the goddamn time. I’m always lookin out for them.

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(Kris on being confused by wanting to be fucked in the ass by a real penis even though he can’t jerk off the gay scenarios)

Kris: I tried jerking off to that scenario, but I couldn’t do it. Had to switch to the females, so…I don’t know.

Ben: Well, that’s ok. You’re not gay. You’re not like into dudes. You are a heterosexual man that just wants to feel a real live flesh dick in his ass. You don’t want to like make out with the guy.

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Ben: I just want to inspire the idea that you don’t have to take a path that’s been paved or laid out for you.

Katie: Right. You really can have exactly what you want.

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Ben: May I get the tray of offerings?

Kris: Yeah, if you know where it is.

Ben: I do.

Ben (5 minutes later) I retract my statement about knowing where it is……

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Kris: What was that noise?

Katie: Was it cat sex or was it a human noise?

Ben: I think it was chickens.

Kris: Chickens aren’t awake right now.

Katie: Doesn’t mean they won’t squawk when someones eatin’ em. Could be a saw, too.

Kris: Open the door so we can hear better.

Ben: No, just listen. Shhh!

(silence)

Katie: Ok, yeah. It’s either an elephant or a circular saw.

Kris: Well i guess it’s an elephant then. Who the fuck would be using circular saw at this hour?

*********

Katie: Bwahahahahahahahha! I was trying to tap Ben’s taint and got his butthole. My aim is off because Kriss taint is so above averagely large.

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Yeah, I know who fucking painted The Last Supper

Day 20 Friday September 27 Vernazza

Vernazza is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my entire life. I am so glad we came here.

This morning we were up early, which was nice because we got to have breakfast in peace before the hordes of tourists came in on the train.

The day was really just eating, coffee, gelato, siesta, pizza, more gelato, pizza, croissant, more gelato, pizza, you get the idea.

We did a lot of awesome people watching, too. Making comments like:

Kris: Look at those gay guys with that chihuahua.
Katie: They look so rough are you stew they’re gay?
Kris: They’re rolling with a fucking chihuahua. C’mon.

Kris: That girl was kinda hot.
Katie: Her friend was frumperific.
Kris: She had a cute face though.
Katie: I didn’t see her face. Just her high waist line.

Katie: Look at that gut chewing on his hoodie strings. He looks like a fucking crack head.

Katie: Are you tired of me? Do you wanna ditch me?
Kris: Why do you confound me with your retarded thoughts?

Kris: Wanna go?
Katie: No, I’m not quite ready yet.
(several minutes later) Kris: I would just like you to be aware that I’m incredibly fucking thirsty.

Katie: C’mere, kitty. Look over here! Do you think this cat’s gonna look at me?
Kris: No. It’s not. It’s a cat. It’s gonna do whatever the fuck it wants.

At one point we hiked a little ways up one of the trails so we could take some pictures:

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We also hiked up to the top of this castle, which had even more spectacular views.

And walked through a little cave to get another part of the beach, which was covered with the most beautiful rocks.

When we were up in our room later I asked Kris, “So, what’s there to do in Milan tomorrow?” He said, “Well – you can reserve a 15 minute spot to see The Last Supper. That’s painted by Leonardo Da Vinci.” Katie, “Yeah, I know who fucking painted The Last Supper.” Kris, “Well I don’t know! Sometimes you don’t know shit!”

The rectum is the butt hole. The anus is the cavity just beyond.

Days 15-18 Sunday-Wednesday September 22-25 Tuscany

Sunday was a total leisure day. We had the farm totally to ourselves the whole day so it was a mix of eating, yoga on the deck, napping, reading and lounging.

At one point we were cuddling and I said, “Oh! You’re pressing on my poop bag….er….my….large intestine…..wherever my poop’s waitin.” Kris said, “Your rectum.” I pooped and then several minutes later he said, “I meant your anus.” and I said, “Isn’t that the same thing?” and he said, “The rectum is the butt hole. The anus is the cavity just beyond.”

In the evening everyone came back and we had dinner together – Paolo, Alexandra and the Russians – Olga, and her grown son, Richard. Olga and Richard were hilarious going back and forth like an old married couple, and Olga has the most fantastic accent. She speaks fluent English, but with a classic thick Russian accent.

There we all were – two Americans, a Romanian, an Italian and two Russians. I wish for all of my friends to travel (outside of the U.S.A.) There is nothing in the world that can compare the experiences you will have.

Monday was our first official work day. We were up early and were put out in the olive grove to trim the trees in preparation for the harvest next month. That was a bitch. I said, “Didn’t the dove bring an oilve branch back to noah’s arc and that’s how they knew shit was cool? Like, the bird had obviously found dry land or something?”

4 and a half hours of trimming kicked our fucking asses. We ate lunch and then passed out, resurfacing to watch the sunset with the geese and eat dinner. At dinner – I saw a cat pee. We saw this stream coming from way up high in a tree and we followed it and it lead us right to a cat’s ass. Hilarious.

Tuesday we totally lucked out. We finished with the trees in an hour or so, and then we had just had to fill buckets with water and carry them to the cherry trees. We were done by 11 and that was our day. Alexandra made a fantastic bean soup for lunch and then we had a really fun siesta. We both had head colds, but also had the giggles. So it made for a really hilarious couple of hours in our room.

Alexandra told us some great stories about strange guests that have stayed here. She said one fancy looking couple complained about “the sheet (shit) of the geese” and another woman was screaming in her room – Alexandra heard her all the way in the main house. She went to see what was wrong and “the woman had her feet on the bed and was screaming. Her husband has a broom and is trying to smash a lizard.” Later on Alexandra told us “If you ever come back to Italy – you stay with me in the house of Guiliano (her boyfriend)” She is so sweet.

I wondered out loud – “I can’t remember if I pooped out my garlic….”

That night for dinner Paolo bought two whole fresh fish and a load of fresh mussels. We had the sea food, along with boiled potatoes doused with olive oil and parsley, and cabbage salad.

Wednesday we lucked out even harder. We got up early, prepared to work, and then the phone rang. It was Paolo. He had missed his train so Alexandra was driving him to Rome (3 hours away). He just asked us to feed and keep an eye on the puppies. So we had another totally leisurely day to ourselves.

Kris was posting something on Facebook about how stupid hash tagging is and I said, “You should post that with an ironic hash tag.” He looked me square in the face, dead serious and said, “I’m never gonna hash tag.”

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