Highlights From the Last Few Weeks!

-Finishing our big road trip (Zion, Bryce Canyon, Yosemite, Napa with Heather & Jim, Cresecent City, Eugene for the Sublime/311 concert, Monmouth to visit Cousin Jimmy & Stephanie, and finally Beaverton to hang out with Meredith and Todd) and landing in Suquamish, WA – just across the water from Seattle – on Wednesday, August 31st at Tom & Christine’s.

-Kelly taking us on a tour of the city so that we could get a better feel for what neighborhood we might want to live in. So far we like Ballard & Freemont and maybe West Seattle.

-Leaving Tom & Christine’s after 3 days. We were supposed to stay there for a month or two (or longer), but everything wasn’t rockin and we had to leave abruptly on Friday night. It worked out for the best though as Kelly came to our rescue. We met up with her in North Bend and ended up spending the weekend with her at her boyfriend Casey’s house on the river.

-We reheated pancakes at Caycee’s. They came out of the oven a little crispy. Kris said it was a “cacophony of crunches.” Then Kelly came to the table. Kris: Drown the pancakes in peanut butter and syrup to mitigate the crunchiness. Kelly: We’re mitigating this early?

-Going to check out a room for rent in Seattle. One bedroom in the house was set up as a fucking shrine to Twilight: life size cardboard cutouts, black framed and signed photos, memorabilia, all displayed like it was a fucking museum.

  • Katie: I have bad things coming out of my butt.
  • Kris: Go poop.
  • Katie: I don’t have to.
  • Kris: Yes you do. That’s what farting means.
  • Katie: Well it’s not at the gate yet and I don’t sit on the toilet waiting for it to come down like you do.
  • Kris: Well do something. You’re violating my nose holes.
  • Katie: Do you wanna titty fuck that tilted kilt girl?

-Kris, explaining Macguyver to me, “He was just one of those guys, you know? You could give him a bubble gum wrapper and and a paper clip and he’d make a bomb. You know, bullshit like that.”

-The Sunday market in Freemont. Meeting Kris’ cousin Vienna. Meeting his cousin Glenn, who graciously offered to let us stay at his house until we find our own place since his daughter had just gone off to college and he had a spare room. His house is bright and open and we had a nice bedroom and bathroom all to ourselves.

-Glen describing his friends birthday party to us. His friend is a doctor so his wife planned a theme party for him where she and several of her friends dressed up like nurses. I asked if they all looked good dressed up like that and Glen said, “I suppose they did. I’da let ‘em pole me with a needle or two.”

-Making up new raps: “Dumpster Breath & a Flaccid Peen”, “Toe Spank Your B-Hole”, “Bacne and a Cheddar B-Hole’, and “Toe Spank Your B-Hole”.

-Taking off my pants on the beach in Seattle and wading out in my black underwear to save our Frisbee from the waves.

-Kris, propositioning me, “So I’ve got this boner….I was wondering if you wanted any part of it…..”

-Traveling to New York City! We’re still here, and I will write more on that soon.

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Rap Lyrics: Day 17 – Sunday August 28th

This morning we all trucked down to the Saturday market, which also happens on Sunday. The kiddos needed naps eventually so we were left to our own devices. I had some sweet ass polish food and then we played Frisbee in a big grassy spot by the water and by the market.

Afterwards we headed out to Edgefield Winery. They have the cheapest wine tastings ever. They range from $3 to $8 and you get 6 wines per tasting.

Katie: That guy’s pencil thin stash was gay.

Kris: Not as gay as this big piece of shit smeared on my window.

Kris: (about my dress) It looks like summer exploded. I had to say something to go with your weird ass singing.

On the drive home I made up some song lyrics:

“I-i-i-i-i-I wanna slurp your man juice outcher p-hole…..’cept maybe I’d rather you shoot it in mah B-Hole….la la la la la la.”

Kris: I think you do need to get fucked. You need to get fuckin drilled to the gills.

Katie: Maybe I should be a rapper. I already got two songs: ‘Chili Taint’ & ‘P-Hole/B-Hole’.

We got back later and Meredith had made this fucking amazing Indian feast. Kris thought it was the sweetest thing ever because he had been wanting indian food earlier in the day and had never found it. She even made rockin gluten free naan!

Glitter is Like the Herpes of Art Supplies: Day 16 – Saturday August 27th

Glitter is like the herpes of art supplies. Is that not the funniest thing you’ve ever heard? This morning I was very excited to go to the dining hall for lunch. Stephanie works on campus so she gets a meal plan and had a shit ton of money on it that she needed to use up before summer was over.

We played some bitchin Frisbee afterwards.

Then we went to Burgerville – an awesome chain in the NW sort of like In N Out, but they use local ingredients, use compostable meal utensils,  grass fed beef, etc. It’s pretty awesome.

Katie: So yeah. You should come visit us in Seattle. You could milk goats.

James: Have I ever milked a goat before? Hmmmm, lemme think. No, but I have clipped their nails and given them vaccinations.

After Burgerville we headed up to Beaverton to Todd & Meredith’s. That was super fucking fun. For dinner Meredith made fucking delicious latkes.

Shit Stains! – Day 15 – Friday August 25th

This morning I had a problem. I was rubbing The Crystal on my arm pits and the little crystal just went and fell out of his holder and perfectly plugged the bathroom sink. Kris tried to get it out with his pliers, but it just started breaking apart. So at the point he just had to break it up and jam it down the sink. Oh well.

We took advantage of the free internet and sat out on Linda’s patio in Eugene. Around lunchtime we parted ways with Danielle and headed up to explore Corvallis.

Kris: I had great blueberries growing out of the ground when I was a kid.

Katie: Out of the ground? I thought they grew on bushes?

Kris: Well, yeah. But there’s usually super low bushes so they’re practically growing out of the ground.

Katie: But aren’t those blueberry bushes too? (I point to tall blueberry bushes)

Kris: Well, Yeah. Well, whatever. I had little bushes and they gave me great great fuckin blueberries.

Corvallis was great. We walked around the downtown and found a great gluten free bakery. Then we went into a cute little coop grocery and bought some new deodorant.

Katie: What if you had a 14 ft dick?

Kris: I’d be….

Katie: Bummin?

Kris: No, I’d be makin money. And I’d find some whore that wanted to give her ass up to it. Mandango has a 10 inch dick. Lexington Steele has a big one too.

Later in the afternoon we made our way up to Monmouth, a tiny town of less than 10,000 people. My cousin, James, directed us to wait at Burgerville, but since he was going to be 20 minutes or so we decied to explore the town. That took about 5 minutes. We stopped at a park and threw the Frisbee. James called to see where we were.

Katie: We’re at a park….it’s on Main street across from the-

James: Yeah there’s only one park in town. I know where you are.

He came up and met us and then took us back to his apartment that he shares with his girlfriend, Stephanie. They changed and then we all went out to dinner at a McMennamin’s joint….I forget the name of it, but it was in Salem. McMennamin’s has a great winery on the outskirts of Portland and they also buy up old historic buildings, preserve their integrity and make them into hotels or pubs. It’s super cool.

James: I’m afraid of horses.

Kris: Well that makes sense. Horses are vicious, vicious animals.

James: I once saw a cow eating a chicken.

Stephanie was telling us about hen her grandmas cat died and her grandma called her and said she wasn’t sure how much longer she could go on. Stephanie assured her that she had lots to live for: kids, grandkids, grandpa. James said Stephanie should’ve bet grandma how long she could go on.

We stopped at Target so we could buy Taboo, and James bought one of those furry posters that you add color too.

Stephanie: That fuzzy poster was $5??

James: Well yeah! Look at it!!

James, yelling at a van in his way: “Oh yeah, you’re blocking me? That’s ALL you’re doing ya dick.”

We got back to their place and started playing Taboo. Stephanie got the word “Oatmeal” and was trying to get James to say it.

Stephanie: “I eat this every morning breakfast. It requires a microwave.”

James: “……Nothing requires  a microwave. You’re…..stupid.”

A little while later:

Stephanie: Michael did this in private.

James: Square dance!

I got the card “Skid Mark” and was trying to get Kris to say it.

Katie: “This is when you get a brown mess in your underwear.”

Kris: Shit stain!

Kris got the card “Seagull”

Kris: I got shit on by this.

Katie: A falcon? A bluebird??

James: A fucking falcon? Are you kidding me?

Katie: I can explain why I said falcon. I’ll go back to it. HOLD ON!

And I did explain afterwards. We had only seen seagulls in one instance on our trip. But we had seen shit tons of falcons and bluebirds. So when kris said he had been shit on by a bird I immediately went to the types of birds we had been seeing all the fucking time.

Sublime & 311: Day 14 – Thursday August 25th

This morning we were all so fucking glad we were done with camping. It was great and al, but it’s such a fucking production.

About 20 miles outside of camp we stopped to pee at a super po-dunk gas station. Danielle and I were in wooden pee houses right next to each other and I heard her let out a sweal. She had been stung on the top of her ass by a bee!

It was only about 90 minutes to Eugene, where we were staying with a lady named Linda who is also a fellow doula. She lived on the outskirts of town in a super cute little house, but it was one of those houses you fantasize about updating because clearly that hadn’t been done in about 40 years.

After a shower and a change of clothes we decided to hit the Home Town Buffet. That was a home run.

As were driving out of the parking lot Kris started stuttering and pointing at a midget, “Midget! There-There’s a midget! A fr-fr-fr-friend, a m-m-midget, a midget friend! Somebody’s got a friend who’s a midget!”

Then it was off to Cuthbert Ampitheatre for the Sublime & 311 concert. As we were walking up to the venue there was a guy pedaling his bike saying “Bud? Bud? You guys need anything?” How convenient is that? As far as I know, there are no cyclists in Phoenix pedaling weed. To get to the Ampitheatre you had to walk through a park. All along the park were people with huge mason jars full of weed, giant bongs, all kinds of pipes and even someone selling “Super Strong Rainbow Jello Shots”, which apparently means LSD.

We got a great spot on the lawn and the weather was perfect. It was the best concert ever.

Backwoods Boning: Day 13 – Wednesday August 24th

Today was a super lazy day. We didn’t know what time it was after breakfast, but it was still cold and seemed cloudy so we headed to the hot springs again. As soon as we got there the clouds broke and the sun was high in the sky – no shade at all on the pools themselves so Kris and I headed back to camp. Turns out it was close to noon – no wonder it was so hot!

We took our camp chairs and sat by the river right by our camp site. I saw a girl walking on the other side of the river.

Katie: Look. There’s a female. You like to fuck females.

Kris: I sure do. I like to fuck you in particular.

We did some more backwoods boning and then Danielle came back for lunch right as we were finished. After lunch it got super cloudy and started raining, which was the perfect invitation back to the hot springs. After it stopped sprinkling we put some clay Danielle had saved from Bryce Canyon on ourselves and let it dry. Then we all rinsed off and took turns rubbing coconut oil all over each other’s bodies.

Katie: I think that’s a daddy long legs.

Kris: I don’t think it’s a daddy long legs. First of all, there’s no way.

Well that was the end of that discussion.

A Gigantic Slug

A big hairy man that Danielle had met last night came into our tub. He was funny. Kris told him that he had grown up in Anchorage and lived there until he was 20. The guy said, “Oh cool! What were you doing in Anchorage?” We all started lagughing and dude caught himself and said, “Oh, I’d guess like…growin up and goin to school and puberty and whatnot.”

Umpqua: Day 12 – Tuesday August 23rd

This morning we packed it up yet again and drove another stretch up to Umpqua Hot Springs – sort of near Roseburg. I nearly lost it in the car when we couldn’t the fuggin hot springs. But finally we fuggin found it. Thank fuck.

We set up camp and then hiked up to the hot springs. It’s steep, but it only takes about 15 minutes. Once you’re there all of the pools are hot tub size, or smaller, and they cascade down the side of a mountain with the hottest ones being nearest to the top. So beautiful!