- Kris on crossing the street in London: I just try to scurry so I don’t get smashed. And you’ve got to keep your head on a swivel.
- We saw a restaurant advertising their “Honest Sausage”. So the joke for the day was what made a dishonest sausage. And that we surely were.
- We came across this strange looking ramp that led to somewhere underground. It said “Gents”.
Katie: Titty bar?
Kris: Piss trough. (and he was right)
- Kris on European toilets: These toilets are deep as shit. Your shit has such a long way to fall. It’s like a goddamn mile high. It’s like dropping your shit off a cliff. I hope whoever invented these toilets has to shit in them for the rest of their life.
- You know those double decker buses? Well, we always sat on top. So we would be walking down the stairs right as the bus was coming to a stop. One of the times the bus came to a really abrupt stop and I totally wasn’t paying attention or holding on at all and I fell down the last few steps with a total thud and slammed into Kris really hard. But thankfully he caught me. And I didn’t slam into the wall of the bus and knock out some teeth.
- Walking through Hyde Park, Kris compares London to Nashville, TN:
Kris: This place reminds me of Nashville…..with all the trees and the lusciousness.
Katie: Hahahahaha – you mean lush?
- Kris on taking a picture in front of Buckingham Palace: Alright, let’s stand in front of The Buck like every other asshole. But make sure you ask someone [to take our picture] with real light skin.
- Kris on the security in front of the Palace: Why they gotta wear such dumbass hats?
- I wait on a bench with our bags (inside the Tower of London) while Kris goes to the bathroom. He comes back and I ask him how it was. He says: It was fine, but I came out and there were like 75 black frenchies. I had to wade through them to make my way back.
- Kris on the two little princes that are rumored to have been murdered at the Tower: You know what? I don’t give a fuck about those two little princes.
- We’re walking out of the Tower and we hear these people speaking a foreign language and coughing a lot.
Kris: What kinda language is that?
Katie: The kind that involves phlegmy horking.
Kris: Hmph. Probably Jewish.
- Kris: I wouldn’t walk all day with these heavy packs with anyone else.
Katie: What does that mean?
Kris: It means I Love you. And everyone else can fuck off.
- Having Afternoon Tea at The Orangery in Kensington Palace.
- We’re waiting outside the Ciampino airport in Rome to get on our bus to the city center. A bus pulls up and empties. People get out from a few different doors on the bus. He points to a group that got out the back and says: Look at them comin’ out the ass end. They’re like the bus’ shit.
On the bus driving through Rome:
Katie: Where do you think the bus is going to drop us?
Kris: The fuck off.
- We both sleep with body pillows between our legs at night. We call them tweeners. We’ve had to improvise tweeners this whole trip. In our hotel all we could find was an itchy blanket to stuff between our legs. Kris said: Could you please go up to the front desk and ask for a non itchy tweener?
- I then suggest that we share a pillow (they were big) instead of each having our own. That way we could use the extra pillow as a non itchy tweener. He’s not sure about this, so we try it out for a second (sharing the pillow). We both get situated and I ask him how he’s doing. He says: I’m ok, but any less [portion of the pillow] and I’ll freak out.
- In our hotel in Rome we had a shower, but no bathroom in our room. We decided beforehand that if either of us had to pee in the middle of the night we’d just squat and pee in the shower so we didn’t have to get dressed and go down the hall. So we did. There was no toilet paper so I had to use a hand towel to wipe. The next morning Kris went to shower and he said: Wow. That is one menacing fucking rag in there. All that blood and piss and cum. Christ.
- Stopping to make out all over Rome. It is the sexiest city I have ever been too.
- Lunch in Campo Dei Fiori – the best pizza ever.
- We’re on the ledge in Villa Borghese and there’s a couple of cops on horses. One of them is a lady. He thinks that is hot. She also carries a sword. He also thinks it’s hot that she “has command of a large animal”.
- We’re walking through Rome and he turns to me and says “You’ve got the stink. But it’s ok. You smell like a real European.”
- We sit down in some grass to rest. He stands up and then reaches down to help me up. I moan and groan on the way up and he says: That’s not a good look for you. It’s unbecoming of a lady.
- This guy on the bus walks by and we both notice he has a huge super dark birth mark type thing on his face. I thought maybe it was a hickey from a black girl.
- I eat my chocolate gelato cone. He looks at me and says “You’ve got it all over your face. There’s like a perfect ring of chocolate around your lips. You look like a two year old”.
Katie: I smell, like, mac and cheese or something.
Kris: What?? You don’t just all of the sudden smell like what you want to eat.
- It’s cold in Margherita’s house in Arezzo. He comes out of the bathroom and says: It’s like 8c up in this bitch.
- The free buffet (if you buy a cocktail) inside one of the bars: Pizza, potato bread, bruschetta, hunks of parmesan, cold pesto pasta salad, hunks of bologna. YUM.
- Finding truffles. This was Kris’ mission. We found them in a little shop in Arezzo for only 15 euros.
- The best day ever in Arezzo: Sleeping late, cuddling, hot lovin, cappuccinos and croissants and prosciutto sandwiches, gelato, a walk through the park and the piazza, gelato, a nap, hot lovin, cappuccino, drinks in the piazza, and yes. More gelato.
- We’re sitting at the coffee shop watching people walk by and judging everything about them. There are a lot of super attractive girls walking by and we’re both commenting. One in particular was hot, but I wasn’t sure if Kris would think so. I said: Hey – do you wanna fuck that tasty whore?
- Kris on bidets: It’s a trip walking around knowing everybody’s got a clean asshole.
- Kris on a woman with no legs pedaling for change: She should really mix in a prosthetic.
- Kris, walking by a poorly lit super tiny shop in Arezzo: That guy must be so bored in there. There was like 12 paintings and it’s dark in there. He needs to mix in some ambiance. He’s probably so bored he’d probably let a dog suck his dick.
- Kris on hermaphrodites: They have too much of both and not enough of neither.
Kris is eating cheese. I want some:
Katie: Hey why don’t you spit some of that cheese into my mouth. Like a mama bird.
Kris: That is disgusting.
Katie: We eat each other’s assholes. And this is gross to you?
- We buy first class tickets for the train back to Rome. Kris says: Maybe they’ll have first class shitters.
- I won’t poo on the train. The bathroom is disgusting. Kris doesn’t care. He comes back and says: I’ve shat in far worse.
Katie: I don’t feel so well. My stomach doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s montezumas ree-venge.
Kris: Maybe you’ve got the D butt.
Katie: What’s that?
Kris: What starts with a D and happens down there?
Katie: Huh? I have no idea.
Kris: Diarrhea! Man….
Katie: Oh. All I could think of was Dick. When you say “down there”, I think of vagina, not asshole.
Katie: That’s nuts ass crazy.
Kris: That’s dick tits whack.
- We get gelato. There is some confusion with the flavors once we walk away. He ends up eating all of one flavor without giving me a taste. He says “Well the confusion was exacerbated by that cunt stacking my scoops in reverse”.
- I explain to Kris that a “for realsie boner” is one that he gets after he’s already gone pee in the morning.
- In Arezzo [a very small town] Margherita (who is not fluent in English) looks at Kris’ last name and says “Ah Boolock? Like Sandra??”
- The happy toddler wandering all over in Piazza di San Francesco wearing khakis, a pink long sleeved polo, a sweater vest and fancy brown boots.
- Gelato. Everywhere. All the time. All hours of the day. Every other person is licking a cone and every other corner has a gelateria. Crazy. I wish we had real mom & pop ice cream stands on every corner, instead of Starbucks and McDonalds.
- Kris on drinking too much to be able to have sex: It’s called Bunk out with your Junk out.
- Kris returning from the vending machines in the airport: Oh my fuggin gad. They had freaky fries.
- Kris on a girls outfit that highlighted her muffin top: That is El Hideoso.
Conversion overheard while waiting in line to board:
Dude number 1: Take a seat all the way in the back. Then shove your suitcase really hard into the overheard bin. Once it’s in, it’s in. And then it’s their problem.
Dude number 2: That’s what she said.
- Our plane is delayed and there is loads of confusion because they don’t change the board right away. We’re sitting near the desk and can tell they’re trying and having issues. Kris says: It takes a fuckin act of congress to get that board changed.
A black guy leans in a little too close to me at the counter while I’m buying my banana. We talk about this on the way home:
Katie: That black was a little too close.
Kris: Yeah. We almost had to put him to the fuckin ground.
Katie: What does that even mean?
Kris: It means you woulda bopped his ears and poked his eyes, and I woulda punched his throat. Getting your ears bopped is horrible.
Katie: Have you ever had it done to you?
Kris: Yeah! Well….I did it to myself once when I was younger, just to see what it was like. But if you do it really hard to someone it throws off their equilibrium. And getting punched in the throat doesn’t sound like a picnic either.
- We’re staying with Ema and Blair and their kids (Ellis – 16, Rae – 13, Ezra – 7) in London. Their lively dinner conversation. An example:
Ellis: I was playing today and I lost. It was 11-2.
Blair: That’s not even what I would call a loss. That’s just like….humiliation. Did you walk away hanging your head?
Rae (to Ema) Are gerbils supposed to vibrate so much?
Ema: I think you mean he just had the shivers.
Rae: Can I have a gerbil?
Ema: No. We can barely keep the fish alive. (she turns to us) We call the fish magic because he just won’t die no matter what happens.
We’re laying in bed. Kris has a funny look on his face.
Katie: Are you holding in a fart?
Kris: No. I don’t need to. I dumped out before the romantic bath.
We’re packing Kris’ bag to go home. He asks if I need this bottle of pills (ibuprofen, allergy stuff, etc.):
Katie: Yeah, I’ll keep it. I might need the allergy pills.
Kris: Well wait. I need the allergy pills. So I’ll take this bottle. You can pedal yourself to the pharmacy. Or the farmachia. Or whatever the fuck the call it in France. The farma shit.
Ellis explaining how his friends said jokingly “Ellis! Hide the weed!” in front of some cops and how the cops heard and had to search him just as a formality:
Ellis: It was a lady cop and a man cop. And the lady cop was the one who searched me. And she searched my bum for way too long.
Ema: Oh don’t flatter yourself.
Ellis: She did! She said she needed to search my pockets and you see where I wear my pants (sagging half way down his ass)! My pockets are against my mid thigh. And she was grabbing my bum, but like really grabbing.
- Riding on a bus that went onto a train that went into a tunnel that went under the ocean.
- Meditating & stretching in the grass next to a Shell gas station in the French countryside.