What mothers are capable of

What mothers are capable of astounds me.

I am not a mother, so perhaps what mothers do seems more outrageous to me.

But then I think no: if I were a mother, I’m sure I’d still think it was pretty fucking mind blowing.

ANYWAY.

A friend of mine shared with me that her baby boy was teething, hardcore. He is breastfed and has been biting her a ton. The only thing that soothes him is her breast, so she was unable to get away without him and go to yoga.

She just said that like it was nothing. Like she was saying she couldn’t go because she had a headache. Or needed a nap or something.

But because a human baby is not only attached to her breast 24/7 — he’s BITING IT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT IN REGULAR INTERVALS?!

Why isn’t this more of a thing?

If dudes had to feed babies from their ballsacks, and it was a regular thing for the babies to chomp on the dudes ballsacks, I can guaran-fucking-tee you we’d hear about it all day long and we’d all be bottle fed.

Why aren’t there parades for mothers every weekend? Why aren’t we supporting them more from a societal stand point?
Is it just because it’s so common place to be a mother?
Why does that make it any less shocking?

Just because collectively shit loads of women are currently mothering doesn’t mean that each individual mother isn’t feeling the weight of the world every single day all day long.

She’s letting the next generation soothe itself on her nipple. In the name of nurturing an emotional stable and capable human — she’s soothing him with her actual body. Not just her body — her fucking nipples. She gets bitten and just continues on — that baby’s comfort overrides everything.

I know this happens to my friend every single day and it’s her normal, but to me — I heard that and wanted to send her a dozen roses, a gallon of chocolate milk and a lifetime supply of pizza. Metaphorically, but you know what I mean.

Women are capable of such sacrifice, and it’s these extreme sacrifices that literally keep the human race from going extinct.
Men are integral, too — obviously. But I’m talking about the sacrificing of one’s body here. And that is all fucking women.

I don’t understand how these every day sacrifices go so unnoticed.

I know many aspects of mothering are intangible and not quantifiable – the emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects vary widely. I think because of that — most of the world just chalks up motherhood to some big, fat, don’t ask don’t tell mystery situation that somehow everyone seems to make it out reasonably intact from, so what’s the big deal? Even the obvious physical elements of mothering are often swept under the rug because we don’t want to talk about it. Keep your blood and poop and amniotic fluid to yourself.

But that’s fucking bullshit, because:

Women have their organs displaced for 10 months to incubate a human
They grow a disposable organ, for fucks’s sake. And it acts like a computer that jacks nutrients from her body to give to said growing human.
Then they have amniotic fluid leak out of their vaginas without warning, along with blood and tons of goop while their uterine muscles are simultaneously surging in opposite directions
They’re pooping at random, usually in front of a room full of strangers
They’re getting poked and prodded and measured and evaluated
They have their pussies ripped apart
Or their stomachs sliced open
They have their nipples chomped on
Their actual bodies are the reason for every single human alive on this planet right now

Can you even wrap your head around that?

Talk about being fucking capable.

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Was it cat sex or was it a human noise?

Our friend Ben sleeps over sometimes and we always have fun and say great things.

Ben: Katie, you’re like a pornographic cartoon character.

Katie: But this isn’t pornographic.

Ben: I k now. but you’re not wholesome enough to be in a regular cartoon. You’re rhetoric would have to be censored and that’s just not possible.

*****************

Kris: You’re like a cat.

Katie: Oh yeah? Well – you’re like a dog. That rapes cats.

*****************

(this said after Kris amazingly avoided me smacking his ballsack)

Ben: Damn, Kris was like a ninja. He’s Captain Reflex.

Kris: She beats my balls all the goddamn time. I’m always lookin out for them.

*********

(Kris on being confused by wanting to be fucked in the ass by a real penis even though he can’t jerk off the gay scenarios)

Kris: I tried jerking off to that scenario, but I couldn’t do it. Had to switch to the females, so…I don’t know.

Ben: Well, that’s ok. You’re not gay. You’re not like into dudes. You are a heterosexual man that just wants to feel a real live flesh dick in his ass. You don’t want to like make out with the guy.

***********

Ben: I just want to inspire the idea that you don’t have to take a path that’s been paved or laid out for you.

Katie: Right. You really can have exactly what you want.

*********

Ben: May I get the tray of offerings?

Kris: Yeah, if you know where it is.

Ben: I do.

Ben (5 minutes later) I retract my statement about knowing where it is……

*********

Kris: What was that noise?

Katie: Was it cat sex or was it a human noise?

Ben: I think it was chickens.

Kris: Chickens aren’t awake right now.

Katie: Doesn’t mean they won’t squawk when someones eatin’ em. Could be a saw, too.

Kris: Open the door so we can hear better.

Ben: No, just listen. Shhh!

(silence)

Katie: Ok, yeah. It’s either an elephant or a circular saw.

Kris: Well i guess it’s an elephant then. Who the fuck would be using circular saw at this hour?

*********

Katie: Bwahahahahahahahha! I was trying to tap Ben’s taint and got his butthole. My aim is off because Kriss taint is so above averagely large.

Uh, the balls don’t count in that equation, Bubba.

Katie: He’s beating around the bush about an STD test. Kris: Tell him he’s gotta fucking come correct with a clean report. Otherwise it’s no deal.

Kris: Muh taint ain’t no bigger than no other dudes.

Katie: What about her ass? It’s kind of nice. Kris: She’s got a nice ass….but kind of a butterface. And the bonnet doesn’t help. She’s older though. So she might be good at sex. She kinda looks like a troll though.

Kris (waiting at In N Out Burger, watching them make our order): She packed that shit in there real nice……BAM……watch her….

Katie: Tomahaaaaaawwwwwwk Kris: Where did that come from? Katie: You know, a tomahawk? Like Jackie Chan. Kris: Um, a tomahawk is a native american weapon.

Kris: You can be skeptical, but i’ve gotten fuckin mad ripped of that thing about 20 times.

G: I’m not getting anything. Kris: Just such on it until somethin comes out.

DH: It was kinda weird how he just laid on the coconut oil stain. Katie: Maybe his dad rubbed coconut oil on his moms taint while she was pregnant so she wouldn’t tear and then when the kid came through the vag it was all coconutty and that’s why he laid in the fetal position on the coconut stain.

DB: I was all like “I’m not codependent!” and then I looked it up and I was like “Oh crap. I am.”

Kris: I came here, I made my origami, what more do you want?

Katie: Kris has a giant taint. Tracy (to Kris): Hi, I’m Tracy. I don’t think we’ve officially met.

Trails Girl: Can I help you find anything? Katie: Well, we went to Fascinations to buy cock rings, but they’re not open yet so we came here. Trails Girl: We don’t have anything like that. But we have glow in the dark condoms. Katie: Yeah, that’s not the same at all.

Katie: He just flopped his cock into my hand. It was 45 minutes into an amazing massage. Of course I jerked him off.

Katie: I’m sorry! I’m trying to adjust my inner thigh fat so the plastic boxes don’t make noise.

Kris: So I found a bidet that heats the water. Katie: How? Kris: Its got a heating coil in it and an electric panel. Katie: Electric breaks. Kris: Well, cheap plastic breaks. Katie: But it can be repaired. Kris: No it can’t. Katie: Yes it can. Plus it’s not cheap. It’s Dr. Mercola!

Katie: What the fuck are doing in there? Pulling your scrotum 36 times? Kris: No. I was just washing and now Ima pee.

Kris: So these are a size small 28-30. Katie: Really? Kris: I could get bigger, but then it wouldn’t be so skimpy and cute on me….so what should i get? Katie: Small!! Kris: You just want me bulging out.

Kris: I’ve got primal sludge in my mouth.

Kris: That’s not an eight inch dick. That’s barely a six inch. Is he counting to the end of his balls? I should right back “Uh, the balls don’t count in that equation, Bubba.”

Go suck her toes now while she’s defenseless!

Katie: I like the way my vagina looks. It’s nice. Kris: I know. I fucked the hell out of it. You got a money vag.

Kris: I thought something was up with the scene in the bathroom this morning. Katie: The scene? Kris: That ointment that was out on the counter. I thought what could’ve gone on in the middle of the night that required ointment?

Kris: How could she be attracted to someone that has cats?

Kris: I don’t have time to make breakfast. I’m just going to have to go to Starbucks this morning. Katie: Well I hope you shit a brick.

Katie: I’m officially sick. I almost d0n’t want to go to this (sex meetup) thing tonight. Kris: Well you better tell ’em that you’re sick and if this ain’t fucking awesome then you’re out.

Katie: She said some guy went down on her last night. Kris: Bummer.

Katie: Will you suck on my toes? Kris: (sniffs them) They don’t smell bad per se, but they don’t smell fresh either.

Bobby: You should just call them and tell them you’re interested in a divorce. You know, keep it light.

Kris: I’m gonna have to poo here in a second and then I’ll be ready.

Kris: If you play with fire you’re bound to get burned once in a while. You had two other working holes. You just clean up and fuck on.

J: You make funny sounds when you get massaged. Katie: You should hear me when he fucks my ass. Actually, you could. It’s on his phone from this morning.

Kris: I love my life with you. You make me so happy. Katie: I love you too.  The timing of your text could not have been more perfect. I was telling Kelly the cascading shit story and we were both loving you a lot.

Katie: Do you want me to give you a boner or do you just totally not want one? Kris: Sure, I could get a boner.

Kris: You don’t know any Diamondbacks players, huh? Katie: I just know the money tat guy. Kris: His name is Ryan Roberts. I think he’s sexy. If I was a girl I’d totally fuck him. If I was gay I’d totally fuck him. He got a hair cut today. He looks so cleancut and nice.

Katie: Susie sounds like someone who likes to take it up the butt. Kris: It’s so unpleasant sounding when you say up the butt. Like, if you actually said that to a girl she’s totally be like – no way! But if you said – do you enjoy anal sex? She’d probably say I don’t know, do I?

Katie: Why is she coming over later? Kris: Presumably to put her fuckin toes in my mouth. I cant see any other logical reason.

Kris: Your bracelet fell. Katie: Thank fuck you saw it because it’s my only symbol of your affection. Kris: Whatever. You got this right there (he squeezes my toe). Katie: You know I only take stock in material things.

Katie: It’s crazy that pee and semen come out the same hole. Kris: Well, poop comes out the same hole you put your penis in too. Katie: Yeah, but anal sex isn’t natural. We weren’t meant to fuck the ass. We were meant to put it in the puss and make babies. Kris: Nuh uh – anal sex is how black people procreate, that’s how come they come out black.

Katie: Jesus. For that amount of money we could hire our own stripper. Kris: What do male strippers do anyway? Katie: They dangle their balls in your face like titties.

Katie: Ooooo, S! I like your glittery nail polish! Kris: Yeah. It’s ultra lux fucking glittery mega shit. It’s like we’re at the disco. You should put that on your own toes and listen to your beegees station.

Katie: She’s upside down in the omgym! Go suck her toes now while she’s defenseless!

Penis Nutella

Katie: It smells like cat food. Maybe it’s your balls.

Juan Carlos: Hey! What’s been going on? Katie: We’re making porn and moving to Seattle.

Katie: Why don’t you teabag me with your kitty litter balls sack. Kris: I thought they smelled like cat food?

Kris: I know. It’s bullshit-ass fuckin lameness. Katie: OMG that’s so funny I have to put it on Facebook. Kris: Ok, but make sure you hyphenate bullshit-ass. So that they don’t think I mean bullshit ass-fuckin.

Kris: I feel bad I didn’t get you off tonight. Katie: If you loved me, you’d get me off right now. Kris: I do love you. Katie: You’ve got a funny way of showing it.

Katie: We were sharing an intense moment of affection among all these butt plugs.

Kris: You gotta watch Evil Dead 2. You’ll love it. Katie: You said that about Star Wars. And I hated it. Kris: Yeah, but Evil Dead 2 is fuckin riveting.

Katie: (my elbow cracks loudly) Kris: Jesus. What was that? Did you crack your fuckin rib cage? Katie: No, it was my elbow. Kris: Well it sounded like you broke your fuckin femur.

Kris: That position does work. I’ve seen it. They bang out like mad.

Kris: You’re really scrapin the bottom of that penis nutella. Sierra: It’s not really penis nutella because you didn’t actually put your penis in it. But I can pretend. Kris: I can do it for reals right now if you want me too.

Frisbee Throwing with Micro Penis!

Kris: You’ll be happy to know that I just shat six pounds of popcorn.

Kris: Oooo vagina flavored cake pop. Katie: No, no I caught it (the falling piece of cake) before it hit my bagina. It only hit my mons pubis. Kris: Ooooo – mons pubis falvored cake pop.

Kris: You can’t lay on me like that. I’m full of gas and shit.

PL: I would eat a rotton pussy all day before I’d go ass to mouth. Katie: For realsies? What about a nice clean blasted out one? PL: ….rethinking….. Katie: I wouldn’t go ass to mouth on a shit dipped dick

Katie: She’s got like a giant-ass sphincter. I’m sure she’ll do just fine. Kris: I’ve seen her sphincter, it ain’t that big. It’s just as tiny as every other goddamn thing on her body. Prolly won’t even fit a chopstick in it.

Kris: I just now realized that I somehow overlooked two fingers when I was clipping my nails yesterday. I’m a tard.

PL: It was the stupidest penis I have ever put my mouth on.

Kris: Have you ever been to Tacoma? It smells like shit there.

Kris: Oh, you tore the coupons out, but didn’t turn the dog eared marks back down. Ok. Katie: You are so passive agressive. That’s the last time I do anything for you, you ungrateful son of a bitch.

Kris: I can’t wait to see you. Katie: For realsies. You just saw me. Kris: Yeah, well, I miss the shit out of you. Katie: Well I think that’s the fucking sweetest thing ever.

PL: Anyway, so back to you and Kris and the yawn. Did you lick his butthole?

Katie: (I fucked up the potato pancakes. They didn’t form.) Kris: Your fuckin catastrophe is fuckin A1.

Kris: You know what I think we should do? I think we should wrestle. I got some angst from the day that I need to get out.

Kris: I like the way your boobs jiggled when you did that. Katie: Oh yeah? You wanna beat them while you have sex with me? Kris. Yeah. That would be real nice.

This is just a funny story. I once fucked this guy with a super tiny penis. It was so small that you couldn’t even move around without it falling out of your vagina. Kris, Danielle and I are on our way to the park to play frisbee. We run into micropenis guy. Hilarious. Micro and his friend play frisbee with us for a few minutes. Then they leave. Kris comes up to me and says “Those two guys (micro and his friend) totally had man crushes on me.” I say “That was micro penis!!” We all have a good laugh.

It’s a Trip Walking Around Knowing Everyone’s Got a Clean Asshole…..Highlights From Europe

  • Kris on crossing the street in London: I just try to scurry so I don’t get smashed. And you’ve got to keep your head on a swivel.
  • We saw a restaurant advertising their “Honest Sausage”. So the joke for the day was what made a dishonest sausage. And that we surely were.
  • We came across this strange looking ramp that led to somewhere underground. It said “Gents”.

Katie: Titty bar?

Kris: Piss trough. (and he was right)

  • Kris on European toilets: These toilets are deep as shit. Your shit has such a long way to fall. It’s like a goddamn mile high. It’s like dropping your shit off a cliff. I hope whoever invented these toilets has to shit in them for the rest of their life.
  • You know those double decker buses? Well, we always sat on top. So we would be walking down the stairs right as the bus was coming to a stop. One of the times the bus came to a really abrupt stop and I totally wasn’t paying attention or holding on at all and I fell down the last few steps with a total thud and slammed into Kris really hard. But thankfully he caught me. And I didn’t slam into the wall of the bus and knock out some teeth.
  • Walking through Hyde Park, Kris compares London to Nashville, TN:

Kris: This place reminds me of Nashville…..with all the trees and the lusciousness.

Katie: Hahahahaha – you mean lush?

  • Kris on taking a picture in front of Buckingham Palace: Alright, let’s stand in front of The Buck like every other asshole. But make sure you ask someone [to take our picture] with real light skin.
  • Kris on the security in front of the Palace: Why they gotta wear such dumbass hats?
  • Going on the London Eye.
  • I wait on a bench with our bags (inside the Tower of London) while Kris goes to the bathroom. He comes back and I ask him how it was. He says: It was fine, but I came out and there were like 75 black frenchies. I had to wade through them to make my way back.
  • Kris on the two little princes that are rumored to have been murdered at the Tower: You know what? I don’t give a fuck about those two little princes.
  • We’re walking out of the Tower and we hear these people speaking a foreign language and coughing a lot.

Kris: What kinda language is that?

Katie: The kind that involves phlegmy horking.

Kris: Hmph. Probably Jewish.

  • Kris: I wouldn’t walk all day with these heavy packs with anyone else.

Katie: What does that mean?

Kris: It means I Love you. And everyone else can fuck off.

  • Having Afternoon Tea at The Orangery in Kensington Palace.
  • We’re waiting outside the Ciampino airport in Rome to get on our bus to the city center. A bus pulls up and empties. People get out from a few different doors on the bus. He points to a group that got out the back and says: Look at them comin’ out the ass end. They’re like the bus’ shit.

On the bus driving through Rome:

Katie: Where do you think the bus is going to drop us?

Kris: The fuck off.

  • We both sleep with body pillows between our legs at night. We call them tweeners. We’ve had to improvise tweeners this whole trip. In our hotel all we could find was an itchy blanket to stuff between our legs. Kris said: Could you please go up to the front desk and ask for a non itchy tweener?
  • I then suggest that we share a pillow (they were big) instead of each having our own. That way we could use the extra pillow as a non itchy tweener. He’s not sure about this, so we try it out for a second (sharing the pillow). We both get situated and I ask him how he’s doing. He says: I’m ok, but any less [portion of the pillow] and I’ll freak out.
  • In our hotel in Rome we had a shower, but no bathroom in our room. We decided beforehand that if either of us had to pee in the middle of the night we’d just squat and pee in the shower so we didn’t have to get dressed and go down the hall. So we did. There was no toilet paper so I had to use a hand towel to wipe. The next morning Kris went to shower and he said: Wow. That is one menacing fucking rag in there. All that blood and piss and cum. Christ.
  • Dinner in Piazza Navona.
  • Stopping to make out all over Rome. It is the sexiest city I have ever been too.
  • Lunch in Campo Dei Fiori – the best pizza ever.
  • We’re on the ledge in Villa Borghese and there’s a couple of cops on horses. One of them is a lady. He thinks that is hot. She also carries a sword. He also thinks it’s hot that she “has command of a large animal”.
  • We’re walking through Rome and he turns to me and says “You’ve got the stink. But it’s ok. You smell like a real European.”
  • We sit down in some grass to rest. He stands up and then reaches down to help me up. I moan and groan on the way up and he says: That’s not a good look for you. It’s unbecoming  of a lady.
  • This guy on the bus walks by and we both notice he has a huge super dark birth mark type thing on his face. I thought maybe it was a hickey from a black girl.
  • I eat my chocolate gelato cone. He looks at me and says “You’ve got it all over your face. There’s like a perfect ring of chocolate around your lips. You look like a two year old”.

Katie: I smell, like, mac and cheese or something.

Kris: What?? You don’t just all of the sudden smell like what you want to eat.

  • It’s cold in Margherita’s house in Arezzo. He comes out of the bathroom and says: It’s like 8c up in this bitch.
  • The free buffet (if you buy a cocktail) inside one of the bars: Pizza, potato bread, bruschetta, hunks of parmesan, cold pesto pasta salad, hunks of bologna. YUM.
  • Finding truffles. This was Kris’ mission. We found them in a little shop in Arezzo for only 15 euros.
  • The best day ever in Arezzo: Sleeping late, cuddling, hot lovin, cappuccinos and croissants and prosciutto sandwiches, gelato, a walk through the park and the piazza, gelato, a nap, hot lovin, cappuccino, drinks in the piazza, and yes. More gelato.
  • We’re sitting at the coffee shop watching people walk by and judging everything about them. There are a lot of super attractive girls walking by and we’re both commenting. One in particular was hot, but I wasn’t sure if Kris would think so. I said: Hey – do you wanna fuck that tasty whore?
  • Kris on bidets: It’s a trip walking around knowing everybody’s got a clean asshole.
  • Kris on a woman with no legs pedaling for change: She should really mix in a prosthetic.
  • Kris, walking by a poorly lit super tiny shop in Arezzo: That guy must be so bored in there. There was like 12 paintings and it’s dark in there. He needs to mix in some ambiance. He’s probably so bored he’d probably let a dog suck his dick.
  • Kris on hermaphrodites: They have too much of both and not enough of neither.

Kris is eating cheese. I want some:

Katie: Hey why don’t you spit some of that cheese into my mouth. Like a mama bird.

Kris: That is disgusting.

Katie: We eat each other’s assholes. And this is gross to you?

  • We buy first class tickets for the train back to Rome. Kris says: Maybe they’ll have first class shitters.
  • I won’t poo on the train. The bathroom is disgusting. Kris doesn’t care. He comes back and says: I’ve shat in far worse.

Train convo:

Katie: I don’t feel so well. My stomach doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s montezumas ree-venge.

Kris: Maybe you’ve got the D butt.

Katie: What’s that?

Kris: What starts with a D and happens down there?

Katie: Huh? I have no idea.

Kris: Diarrhea! Man….

Katie: Oh. All I could think of was Dick. When you say “down there”, I think of vagina, not asshole.

Random commentary:

Katie: That’s nuts ass crazy.

Kris: That’s dick tits whack.

  • We get gelato. There is some confusion with the flavors once we walk away. He ends up eating all of one flavor without giving me a taste. He says “Well the confusion was exacerbated by that cunt stacking my scoops in reverse”.
  • I explain to Kris that a “for realsie boner” is one that he gets after he’s already gone pee in the morning.
  • In Arezzo [a very small town] Margherita (who is not fluent in English) looks at Kris’ last name and says “Ah Boolock? Like Sandra??”
  • The happy toddler wandering all over in Piazza di San Francesco wearing khakis, a pink long sleeved polo, a sweater vest and fancy brown boots.
  • Gelato. Everywhere. All the time. All hours of the day. Every other person is licking a cone and every other corner has a gelateria. Crazy. I wish we had real mom & pop ice cream stands on every corner, instead of Starbucks and McDonalds.
  • Kris on drinking too much to be able to have sex: It’s called Bunk out with your Junk out.
  • Kris returning from the vending machines in the airport: Oh my fuggin gad. They had freaky fries.
  • Kris on a girls outfit that highlighted her muffin top: That is El Hideoso.

Conversion overheard while waiting in line to board:

Dude number 1: Take a seat all the way in the back. Then shove your suitcase really hard into the overheard bin. Once it’s in, it’s in. And then it’s their problem.

Dude number 2: That’s what she said.

  • Our plane is delayed and there is loads of confusion because they don’t change the board right away. We’re sitting near the desk and can tell they’re trying and having issues. Kris says: It takes a fuckin act of congress to get that board changed.

A black guy leans in a little too close to me at the counter while I’m buying my banana. We talk about this on the way home:

Katie: That black was a little too close.

Kris: Yeah. We almost had to put him to the fuckin ground.

Katie: What does that even mean?

Kris: It means you woulda bopped his ears and poked his eyes, and I woulda punched his throat. Getting your ears bopped is horrible.

Katie: Have you ever had it done to you?

Kris: Yeah! Well….I did it to myself once when I was younger, just to see what it was like. But if you do it really hard to someone it throws off their equilibrium. And getting punched in the throat doesn’t sound like a picnic either.

  • We’re staying with Ema and Blair and their kids (Ellis – 16, Rae – 13, Ezra – 7) in London. Their lively dinner conversation. An example:

Ellis: I was playing today and I lost. It was 11-2.

Blair: That’s not even what I would call a loss. That’s just like….humiliation. Did you walk away hanging your head?

Some more:

Rae (to Ema) Are gerbils supposed to vibrate so much?

Ema: I think you mean he just had the shivers.

Rae: Can I have a gerbil?

Ema: No. We can barely keep the fish alive. (she turns to us) We call the fish magic because he just won’t die no matter what happens.

We’re laying in bed. Kris has a funny look on his face.

Katie: Are you holding in a fart?

Kris: No. I don’t need to. I dumped out before the romantic bath.

We’re packing Kris’ bag to go home. He asks if I need this bottle of pills (ibuprofen, allergy stuff, etc.):

Katie: Yeah, I’ll keep it. I might need the allergy pills.

Kris: Well wait. I need the allergy pills. So I’ll take this bottle. You can pedal yourself to the pharmacy. Or the farmachia. Or whatever the fuck the call it in France. The farma shit.

Ellis explaining how his friends said jokingly “Ellis! Hide the weed!” in front of some cops and how the cops heard and had to search him just as a formality:

Ellis: It was a lady cop and a man cop. And the lady cop was the one who searched me. And she searched my bum for way too long.

Ema: Oh don’t flatter yourself.

Ellis: She did! She said she needed to search my pockets and you see where I wear my pants (sagging half way down his ass)! My pockets are against my mid thigh. And she was grabbing my bum, but like really grabbing.

  • Riding on a bus that went onto a train that went into a tunnel that went under the ocean.
  • Meditating & stretching in the grass next to a Shell gas station in the French countryside.