Am I the Only One Who Hated The Series Finale of Girls?

First things first: this obviously fucking contains spoilers so do not read ahead unless you have completed your viewing of the final season of Girls.
To start, let me just say that I have been a dedicated, loyal fan since season one. I’ve watched each episode of each season multiple times. But the last three episodes of Girls, including the series finale? You couldn’t pay me to watch those again. They were the absolute worst episodes of T.V. I can recall. And this was absolutely the fucking worst series finale ever made. Except for maybe Seinfeld. I’ve heard people were pissed about that (it was before my time).
I suppose the end of Felicity was fucking atrocious, but it was a fucking prime-time, teenage drama. Girls, however, is a brilliantly crafted HBO series of genius. So fuck me, but I was expecting more from the final season.
Not even expecting more. I was just expecting the same. The same spot-on writing, the same perfectly crafted jokes, the same sexual awkwardness, the same pitch perfect commentary of the current social and political climate. All of the key elements that made Girls famous.
Instead we got some bullshit pregnancy story line, a bunch of fucking pointless scenes, and ultimately a show that ended with the majority of the Girls not speaking to each other.
I know the meat of the show is Hannah, but the show is still called “Girls”, not “Hannah’s Dumbass Life”. 
Let’s just back up a bit.
The beginning of the season started out strong, as always. The series premier opening with Hannah’s piece in the New York Times, the camera panning over all of the key players reacting to seeing it, the obvious set up that Hannah was “making it” as a writer – that was fucking great. Hannah is promptly sent to cover/write about a surf camp and does a bunch of classically “Hannah” things – sunning her vagina, awkwardly squeezing half naked out of a wet suit – that we’re reminded, despite her successes, she’s still the same Hannah. Marnie and Ray are still fucking weird, with Marnie being the character you love to hate. Adam and Jessa are even fucking weirder. The season was set up to be great.
Episode two saw Hannah, Marnie and Desi in a cabin alone together ultimately revealing Desi’s year-long addiction to pain killers, which seemed a hilarious way to play on season five and how fucking erratic Desi was the whole time. Also in episode two was a rare handful of scenes showing the friendship between Shoshanna and Elijah – he accompanies her to a professional women’s mixer and she is her usual, over achieving-I-just-want-to-fit-in adorable self. Jessa shows up and is an ass – cementing the fact that she’s still basically the same, as is the dynamic between Jessa and Shoshanna. Neither one being wrong or right, and a brilliant example of two supremely different, yet fantastic types of women.
Episode three was literally one of the most fucking brilliant episodes of television I have ever seen in my entire life. It topped my favorite episodes of Six Feet Under, and even topped some of the breathtaking episodes of Mad Men that will stand the test of time. It was a show akin to season two, episode five: “One Man’s Trash” where the entire episode is just Hannah and one other temporary main character. This time it was Hannah and “Chuck Palmer”. The whole episode was just one stunning, jaw dropping line after another and I had my mouth hanging open the entire time just relishing in the incredible writing.
In hindsight, episode four is where things start to go ever so slightly south, but it’s still so great you don’t realize it until later. It’s the episode where Jessa encourages Adam to make his own movie. At first it seems classic – the ever supportive cheer leading woman relentlessly encouraging her man to be all that he can be. In the episodes following, Adam making a movie just proves to be fucking weird and unrealistic. Another sort of hindsight annoyance is the fact that Hannah ends up in the E.R. for a UTI being seen by the very same doctor man she had an affair with in the aforementioned season two episode five. Like – what are the fucking odds? Even for Girls that was a bit of a reach, and just seemed unnecessary. I’m sure they were meaning for it to be funny in an inside joke kind of way, but it didn’t work. One of the grounding touchstones of Girl’s has been that – as weird and awkward and fucked up as the shit that happens on this show can be – there’s always humanity it it – you can always see yourself in it. But bringing that character back to see Hannah in the E.R. was was just too improbably of a coincidence.
Also in this episode you find out, from the unrealistic doctor encounter, that Hannah is pregnant. At first this seemed like it would be fun to see them tackle this subject. Girls has not beaten to death the pregnancy scare story line having only tapped into it once early in season one with Jessa’s almost-abortion-turned-miscarriage. So after all these years, having one of the Girls have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy seemed fitting.
Episode five brings us to the beginning of shooting Adam’s movie. At first you can laugh at the premise of him making a film about the oddball relationship he had with Hannah, but eventually it just seems tired and downright boring. On another note: Loreen is amazing, as always, in this episode as she begrudgingly accepts her fate as grandmother-to-be. There is the total shock that Hannah is keeping the baby, and the in-the-back-of-your-mind chatter assuming the story line is now going to be miscarriage instead of abortion. But then they throw you for a loop with the whole, “This is my baby” line and moment shared between Hannah and Loreen. Then Hannah and Elijah share an emotional, heated scene about her fucking up their best friend roommate plan by having a baby. But you have to remember that Hannah and Elijah have on again off again lived together, so why he’d think them living together now was “forever” is a little weird. On a happier note, we see Ray and Marnie break up, thank fucking christ.
Episode six is, sadly, one of the few brief moments we see Tad in this season at all. It felt like a totally side swept afterthought – the obligatory scene showing him and his boyfriend happily living together so they could cross “Closure to Tad’s story line” off the final season list. Tad was such a rich, fantastic, regular character on the show that it felt like that didn’t do him justice at all. The ridiculous story line with Adam shooting his movie continues, to the point where he’s chasing down Hannah to watch it. And as stupid as it was, I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off at the scenes with Marnie and her mother. That was perfectly, brilliantly, classically Girls awkward and Rita Wilson was so on point as Marnie’s mom, as she’s always been. Another plus is we see Elijah’s story line get beefier – his story ended up being the only remotely satisfying character ending.
Episode seven is one of my favorites and the final one before the season totally tanked. It is basically all about Elijah and it is so much fun to watch. We get to see him sing, dance, act, and generally be his incredibly talented self. We also get to see Marnie have her ass handed to her by a pawn shop jeweler. Elijah gets his moment with Dell, and Hannah tells the father of her baby that he is, well, the father.
Episode eight is just fucking terrible and aimless. It is sadly the last time we see Ray, and if I would have known that him kissing some random ass girl on a fucking merry-go-round was going to be his ending I would’ve barfed. It starts out strong – with Ray and Shoshanna together, their friendship still close, working on Ray’s latest project. But very quickly Ray meets Shoshanna’s old boss and they hit it off in an overdone way that felt rushed and unplanned. They knew Girls was ending the whole time. They knew this was going to be the final season. So to do such a disservice to another one of the show’s beloved characters seemed very strange. It seemed more like a series written that got cancelled in the middle of the season so they had to oh shit hurry and tie all the loose ends up. Also in this episode is Adam literally running up to Hannah on the street and saying he wants to raise her baby with her. So fucking out of nowhere, unnatural, and weird. And the next scene is literally them fucking on Hannah’s bed. What the actual fuck? It was not cohesive in any way and just made no fucking sense. The middle of the episode shows Hannah and Adam in a home goods store looking at the baby aisle, again being so awkwardly (not in a good way) domestic. The episode ends with Hannah and Adam sitting across from each other in a diner booth talking about marriage, grocery shopping and crying. Oh ok – so Adam saying he was going to go grocery shopping and Hannah saying she was going to home and write was supposed to quite obviously be both of them non-verbally communicating their profound realization that they can’t be together. What the actual fuck? Why the fuck they had Hannah and Adam get back together for six hours is fucking beyond me. It was so pointless and disappointing.
Episode nine is again just comically bad. After it was over I was shocked anything could’ve been worse than episode eight. It opens with Hannah accepting some fucking random college professor job at a university upstate. This was again – fucking out of nowhere. It had nothing to do with anything. There was no lead up and it seemed like a totally rushed way to end a fucking series. Generally, with a well written, intelligent show that is famous for such rich character development – the final season is crafted in such a way that has you sucked in the entire time – rooting for the characters, pulling for them to get what they’ve been working for. With this final season of Girls – there is fucking none of that. Never before have we heard of this university, heard that Hannah wants to be a professor, heard that she’s thinking about moving. You have about 4.5 minutes to get on board with this and form an attachment to it and it just fucking does not work. And I’m sorry, take away my fucking feminist card, but it is so extremely fucking unrealistic that a single mother having her first goddamn baby would choose to take a job and move away from her entire support system, all of the familiarity, the comforts of home. That makes no goddamn sense. I’m not saying single mothers don’t rock or women aren’t fucking amazing super heroes or that Hannah can’t “do it on her own”. I’m just saying that it’s fucking a little fantastical. I’ve always respected Girls for their respectable effort to make the girls “real” in their struggles – to pay the rent, to find and keep jobs, to not have to go back to their parents couches, etc. So this whole Hannah being cavalier about single motherhood thing is fucking ridiculous. It gets worse though. Hannah can’t get a hold of Shoshanna so she just shows up at her house. She hasn’t seen Shoshanna in months and just so fucking happens to show up at her house on the night of her engagement party? Again, that felt like a fucking reach and a totally unrealistic coincidence. And also – Shoshanna is fucking engaged?  And would really have her goddamn engagement party in her tiny-ass studio apartment?? What the actual fuck? Again – a major story line pulled out of someone’s ass. Shoshanna has been prominent in this whole series and this entire final season, so no mention of the man that she’s serious enough to marry until the second to last episode? Again……what the actual fuck? There seemed to be so much missed opportunity for introducing the guy, letting us get to know him, having us root for them to “end up together” or at least be happy or feel something, anything. But, just….nothing. Just some random guy she’s marrying. At the party, Jessa and Hannah have some forced apology that felt so scripted, as Girls usually doesn’t. They just missed the fucking mark on everything. AND I’m sorry, but what the fuck was Ray not in this scene? Fucking Ray, who is arguable Shoshanna’s best friend and whose new lover is Shoshanna’s ex-boss and friend, wasn’t at her engagement party? I’m so confused.
The final episode, number ten, opens with Hannah and Marnie spoon-sleeping in Hannah’s bed in her giant house in upstate New York. Because Hannah magically has tons of money to hire movers, get a great house and generously furnish and decorate it on a young writer’s salary, as a single woman, with a professor job she hasn’t even started yet. That’s realistic. Then comes the awful, forced, poorly written scene where Marnie is convincing Hannah that she needs to live with her. Fast forward five months to Hannah having her baby. And naming him Grover. For the millionth time – what.the.actual.fuck.
Thankfully Loreen is in this episode, but we find out that she’s living alone and hates Tad. Not exactly a great ending for her either. And not that all the character’s endings have to be positive, but they at least have to be full of the rich, meaty goodness that they’ve always been. Hannah is oddly unchanged becoming a mother, which seems also extremely unrealistic. I’m sure they thought they were so clever with the little montage of scenes showing Hannah trying to get her baby to latch and then calling him an asshole. It felt predictable and tired to me. We then see Hannah angrily get out of the tub, start to make Bisquick, and then run out of the house after a heated conversation with Loreen. She just starts walking and the next scene shows the sun has fallen, i guess – to give us the impression that some time has passed? That she’s been out walking for hours? We then see some never before seen character burst out of a random house screaming and badly acting. Then we’re forced to sit through a four minute scene of her interacting with Hannah in a way that is totally and completely fucking pointless. That ends with Hannah giving this girl her pants and shoes? So fucking terrible, so poorly written, so awfully acted and just a little twilight zone-y. We cut to Loreen and Marnie sitting on the porch, wondering what Marnie’s next step is and she dreamily says she’s always thought of going to law school. Huh? What? Six years of Marnie and we’ve never heard anything about this? Loreen shares that she has a friend who is a judge and that she could see Marnie as a judge. What the fuck? Why, again, is this so fucking out of nowhere? And that’s just it. That’s Marnie’s ending. Some fucking bullshit conversation with Loreen. Soon after, Hannah comes home to Loreen and Marnie on the porch drinking wine. She sits there with them in a scene that is dull and drab at best. The baby cries, Hannah of course goes upstairs having just magically cleared her mind and awakened her maternal instincts after some glorious fucking walk. She picks up her baby, sits in the rocker, he latches, and that is fucking it. That’s the end. That’s the last scene. That’s the fucking show.
I don’t know what happened, but I can’t believe an iconic show like Girls went out like such a hot mess.
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How to eat delicious & organic for $30 a week

My hot boyfriend and I are leaving in two weeks to spend 12 weeks in Europe and we make below poverty level income, whilst living well and eating mostly local/organic yummy food 🙂 Our food bill comes out to $50-60 a week for two. I get a lot of pleasure out of food and am not one to deprive myself, so we’re definitely not eating cereal and canned soup. Several people in the last week have asked how we do it. It seems automatic to me so it’s a bit of a strange question to answer, but now that I’ve sat down and thought about it – here are the key things we do to make that happen:

  1. Don’t eat (or drink) out. If you want to – be smart about it. Don’t deprive yourself, but don’t over do it. If we go out to eat, we hit a happy hour, if we go to a coffee shop we get a $2 shot of espresso or an iced tea versus a $4 latte.
  2. Don’t be afraid to own #1 confidently. There is a lot of power and intention behind your words so when friends invite you out for drinks or to a restaurant or to a concert or whatever, refrain from saying, “I can’t afford it”, which has a negative connotation. And it’s not true. You CAN afford it. You are simply choosing to make something else a priority (ie – your travel fund).
  3. Think ahead. If you’re going to be out for the day, pack a lunch and bring a water bottle. If you’re going to run a bunch of errands – make sure you’ve eaten before you left or that you bring snacks in case you get hungry.
  4. Meal plan, never shop without a list and never fucking shop while you’re hungry. This is by far the best trick for shopping on a budget. Plan what you’re having for breakfast, lunch and dinner + snacks.
  5. Don’t waste food. #4 will help with that a lot. If your bananas are brown, freeze them to make smoothies or banana bread later. Pears looking wonky? Put that shit in your food processor and turn them into pear sauce. Bread stale? Blend it into mother truckin bread crumbs. Tomatoes lookin grody? Freeze em for pasta sauce or chili later. Every time you go to eat or snack, make sure there’s not something on the verge of going bad that needs to be eaten.
  6. Buy in bulk. I buy coffee, butter, rice, baking soda, and vinegar at Costco. I order sea salt, olive oil, coconut oil, honey, and tea in bulk online. Keep an eye on Sprouts bulk bins for sales on nuts, beans, oats, and baking items. I shop for organic produce from Sprouts or the farmer’s market, and Trader Joe’s for everything else.
  7. Pay attention to how much things cost at different stores, and buy produce according to what’s in season. Then you’ll find the best grocery shopping route that works best for you based on what you’re buying. For instance – at Sprouts the cheapest container of whole milk plain organic yogurt is $5, at Trader Joes it’s $3. At Sprouts a decent loaf of bread will be at least $5. At Whole Foods an organic store brand loaf is $3.50.
  8. Eliminate all of the bullshit fluff. Don’t buy anything that’s “fortified”, “low fat”, “sugar free”, etc. Ditch processed foods as much as you can. Don’t buy prepared food or prechopped produce. Read ingredient labels and only buy actual food. If it’s got shit in it you can’t pronounce or don’t know what it is – don’t buy it. Get creative, make your own versions, take control of your food and your health. As your food choices become more conscious, your will find yourself buying and spending less.
  9. Drink water, iced/hot coffee or tea (that you make at home). Don’t buy juice, soda, milk, ready made tea, etc.
  10. Ditch personal care products and cleaning supplies. I use vinegar for laundry, bentonite clay for toothpaste, water and rags for cleaning (vinegar or baking soda if shit gets crazy), coconut oil for my skin. I don’t wear make up or use fancy hair products. I use Dr. Bronners bar soap for my body and hair. I only wash the parts necessary – usually just arm pits and crotch. Water is fine for everything else.
  11. Make shit yourself. Almond milk, peanut butter, pie crusts, pie in general, pickles, and beans are things that spring to mind that are all stupid easy to make and soooooo much cheaper than buying.

Inexpensive, easy meal ideas (I’m just pulling this from what we’ve been eating the last month or so)

Breakfast: 

  • Steel cut oats. I like steel cut because you can make a big batch of them and eat it all week. It retains it’s density and texture and doesn’t get soggy and gross like regular oats. Switch it up by mixing in peanut butter, bananas, nuts, honey, maple syrup, whatever floats your boat.
  • Eggs, toast, and a piece of fruit.
  • Pancakes. Another thing you can make a big batch of and eat all week, switching it up by mixing in your favorite toppings
  • Chia pudding – 1/2 cup water, 2 tbsp chia seeds mixed and soaked overnight. In the morning mix in your fave add-ins – fruit, nuts, chocolate chips, honey, etc.

Lunch & Dinner

  • Quesadillas – fill a tortilla with your home made beans and cheese, fry each side, top with plain yogurt, hot sauce, diced tomatoes, red onion and avocado.
  • Rice & Bean bowls – just like it sounds. Make some rice, make some beans, top with your favorite shit
  • “Cheesy” pasta – this recipe is so easy to make and is great leftover for lunch or dinner
  • Tex Mex salad – greens, tomatoes, avocado, home made beans, corn, green onions, bell peppers, some kind of tangy dressing (yogurt and bbq sauce is a good mix) and a crunchy topping (crushed up tortilla chips is yummy)
  • Soups and chili – search pinterest for good recipes or just make something up

Snacks/Dessert

  • Fruit
  • Plain Yogurt with honey and/or fruit or granola mixed in.  Avoid pre-sweetened/flavored yogurt.  9 times out of 10 it has shit in it you don’t need to be eating.
  • Chocolate ice cream (a sliced frozen banana, a scoop of peanut butter, a spoon full of cacao powder, spoon full of cinnamon and dash of salt whirred up in a food processor or vita mix) – Its super decadent and completely healthy.  We eat this almost every day.
  • These amazing, easy-to-make, healthy cookies
  • Peanut butter – Never buy peanut butter again. Instead by bulk roasted, salted peanuts.  Whip them up in a blender or food processor till its peanut butter.  Never use raw peanuts.

 

 

The Day I Pooped at the Float Spa

The Trash Can Dump Story:

I had recently moved into an amazing house where I had two hot male roommates. A couple of weeks after I moved in I went out on a Saturday night, drank way too much, ate crap fast food, and woke up at 6 0’clock Sunday morning almost pooping the bed. I ran to the bathroom and one of the hot roommates had the whole bathroom torn up and was retiling the shower. Fuckcrapmotherfuck. Obviously he would’ve happily vacated for me to poop, but there was just no way I could do that. Because I knew it was going to be a dagnasty poop and it’s not like the smell would instantly dissipate. And then the hot guy would know I pooped. So just, no. I went back to my room and came to the only logical conclusion: poop in my tiny trash can and go back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and now had to dispose of this mess. I bagged it up, made a run out the front door to my car, tore up to Safeway and chucked it in the big dumpster out back.

********************************************

The Cascading Shit Story

This story starts with me on my back with my legs over my head so that my ass was hanging over the edge of the arm of the couch. My hot boyfriend and I began having some righteous ass sex. At one point he pulled his penis out to change positions and a stream of poo started cascading out of my ass and down the side of the couch into a puddle on the beige carpet.

I did not know this was happening. I had my legs over my head and was staring at the ceiling waiting for instruction. I didn’t know what was going on.

Finally he said, “Get up and go STRAIT to the bathroom and take a shower.”

Ok. I didn’t ask questions. I just went. I wasn’t too messy personally, there was a tiny bit of poo on me, but for the most part it had just shot strait down the couch. I walked back out to see my boyfriend scrubbing the poop pile out of the carpet.

I sort of timidly asked, “What now?” He said, “You’ve got two other working holes – where do you want it?”

Afterwards I asked him how he kept going and how the poop didn’t bother him. He said, “When you play with fire, you’re bound to get burned now and then. You just clean up and fuck on.”

***************************************

I Pooped Myself at my Own Party

It’was the eve of my 22nd birthday…..it was a dark and drunken night…….Do you guys remember Graham’s Central Station? Well, that’s where I wanted to go and I gathered a group of friends to go with me. They had one hour where all drinks were 25 cents. This didn’t turn out well for me. I had $2.25 worth of drinks in that one hour. I was dancing. I cleared myself an area on the dance floor because I was hitting people while I was pretending to swim. I got up in a cage and was squatting down fast and then popping back up fast, each time my skirt flying up and displaying my underwear. Eventually we were asked to leave because of me. I didn’t know that at the time because I was too out of it. I was just taken by the hand and told that the party was moving back to my house. Once I was back home I was placed on the couch and started drooling on myself. I ran to the bathroom and immediately was fucked because I had to poop and vomit and wasn’t sure which end to put on the toilet.

Meanwhile, all of my friends are sitting right outside of that tiny downstairs half bathroom on my living room couches politely chatting.

I put my ass end on the toilet and immediately started shitting whilst also vomiting into a trash can in between my legs. I reached behind me to flush to try to get rid of the vomit stink and I kept flushing and flushing, commenting that the water and the breeze felt so good on my vagina, but also very confused that my vomit never went away (not realizing I had been vomiting into a trash can and not into the toilet).

I started whining for my then-husband to “make it stoooooopppppppp! pleeeeease, make it stop!” He was fielding my requests while also trying to be a polite host.

Eventually everyone left seeing that the situation was clearly continuing south. I tried to crawl out of the bathroom and ended up passed out face down half way in the bathroom and half way out with my skirt flipped up and sprinkles of diarrhea all over my butt cheeks. My darling husband wiped my ass, threw my skirt in the trash and helped me upstairs to bed.

I woke up the next morning still drunk and used this as a shining example to teach my teenage sister not to ever drink. I fished my skirt out of the trash, washed it, and tried to regain my dignity.

*************************************

The Day I Pooped at the Float Spa

In case you’ve never been, a float spa is comprised of a few individual rooms each containing a pod filled with salt water, and a shower stall. I entered the pod for my float and when my 60 minutes were up I crawled out of the pod, stood up, and immediately felt my poop trying to pop out. I knew I couldn’t make it down the hall to the bathroom because every time I moved an inch the poop moved closer to being outside of my body. There was a tiny trash can with a plastic liner in it so I squatted on the floor and pooped in the bag. I showered and then part way through my shower had the insane urge to shit again. I had tied a knot in the plastic bag because the smell was so intense so I had to open it back up, face the stink, and add more poop to the bag. Poop smells really gross out in the open air versus sitting in toilet water. Besides my clothes, all I had with me was a tiny towel and the bag of poop was see through and totally disgusting. Somehow I mostly hid the bag of poop with the towel and ran to the bathroom hoping not to run into anyone on the way. I chucked the poo bag in the big trash can in there and got the hell out.

 

 

 

How to Not Suck at Polyamory

I have been in a transparent, honest relationship for almost 4 years and frequently encounter the same questions and comments.

  • Don’t you get jealous?
  • Don’t you get lonely?
  • What if he/she falls in love with someone else?
  • Was this his/her idea or yours?
  • I could NEVER do that. If my boyfriend was texting someone else, I’d freak.
  • Do you have a lot of threesomes?

A more “mainstream” title for my partner and I could be “polyamorous” or “in an open relationship”. . For the sake of simplicity, I’ll use the term “polyamory” for this article though I shy away from these terms in general because they have such judgments attached to them, usually with people jumping to the assumption that we just fuck random people all the time.

Yes – sometimes polyamory does mean sexual intimacy with others. However, brace yourself for this surprise  – sometimes  it doesn’t.  As a polyamorous person, dating is the same as it is for monogamy-seeking single people: you meet someone, you are attracted to them, and you “date” to get to know each other better. Sometimes this means your initial attraction develops into a physical connection, sometimes it doesn’t. Since most of us started out in monogamous relationships and then discover poly later, our version of polyamory is generally a direct reflection of our version of monogamy. So if you are quick to have sex with people and are mainly interested in a sexual connection – this is how poly will be for you. If you are slow to open up sexually, if you desire an emotional bond before you can be comfortable sexually – this is how poly will be for you, and so on and so on with every combination in between.

For my partner and I, every now and then one of us will come across someone we’re sexually attracted to. Sometimes we act on it, sometimes we don’t. A lot of times the awkwardness and nervousness of sex with a new person just isn’t worth it. Its fun to talk about and there is indescribably fantastic freedom in knowing that you have permission to act. But 9 times out of 10 – that’s enough. In general, we are interested in deep friendships, love, and emotional intimacy, with a sexual connection being the icing on the cake.

Here are some other examples of polyamory, which have nothing to do with sex, and are things typically not “allowed” in monogamous relationships with anyone other than your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife:

  • Cuddling
  • Kissing
  • Massage
  • Emotional intimacy
  • Spending any kind of quality time together with anyone else unless the other person is your trusted best friend or is of the same sex
  • Hand holding
  • Flirting
  • Hugging (beyond just the two second hello/goodbye bullshit hug)
  • Any kind of extensive communication via phone, skype, text, facebook, etc.

In our society where the majority of us are repressed, afraid to talk about our feelings and comfortable making assumptions instead of asking – any of those activities mentioned above are rarely taken at face value. They are all presumed to be leading somewhere – to sex.  We are so starved for human touch, a connection, and physical intimacy that we frequently make something out of nothing and lump sexual intimacy in the same category as physical and/or emotional intimacy. Or, even worse, we feel guilty for “just” wanting to (insert activity here) for fear that we are now “leading them on” and this keeps us from sharing sweet, simple affection.

Think about this example – parents are affectionate with their children, but at some point they back off. At some point it becomes inappropriate. The parents now only have their significant other to fulfill their need for touch, and the children in turn have to find this physical affection somewhere else. And where is the only socially acceptable place to get it? A boyfriend or a girlfriend. That’s it. That partner you choose is your sole source to fill that undeniable human need. This is setting us all up for failure.

To me, polyamory is all the comforts of monogamy {a committed partner, relationship security, and someone to grow old with} with the bull-shit factor removed – I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to hide my feelings, and I don’t have to limit myself to loving just one person.

Many people apply extensive rules and constructs to their poly relationships that are from a place of fear and insecurity that exists with two people in reaction mode carrying shit tons of personal baggage unwilling to look at their own personal short comings and triggers.

The foundation of my relationship is deep respect, total trust, and a genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. As such, we essentially have no rules. Poly to us means to love whoever, whenever and however we feel free to. The only “rules” we do practice are in place naturally and organically: respect the others health/safety by practicing safe sex, and be completely transparent about communication and feelings towards other people. In other words, we share all of our thoughts and communication with all of our partners. Not out of a place of obligation, but out of a place of genuine curiosity. This also removes the burden of maintaining separate relationships, and prevents anyone from having to keep any secrets with one person

Here’s some things we practice personally, which result in bring in a drama free, open-love union:

  1. Be your own best friend

It sounds so corny, but it’s true. Get to a place where you really, truly love yourself, are able to spend time alone and genuinely enjoy your own company.

  1. “Happiness is an inside job.”

You hear this all the time, and we all do it. “I’ll be happy when I get a new job/move to a new house/find a boyfriend”. If you’re in a position where a partner will be filling a void then you’re somewhat doomed for codependency from the start. Do whatever you need to do to be a happy, whole person unto yourself and not only will you attract that same type of person, but you will be with that person because you want to be, not because you need to be.

  1. You should be able to get everything from one person

To be emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally fulfilled by just one person is a fatuous concept. It’s not your fault that you believe it, but let it go immediately. Seriously. We are conditioned by society to believe this and inevitably  find ourselves dissatisfied in some way so we blame our partner. We conclude “something is missing”. Maybe we go to marriage counseling or start entertaining thoughts of an affair. It’s unhealthy, frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying. Be open to receiving from all types of friendships and relationships and you will find your heart and spirit more full and content than ever.

  1. If One + One only = Two – then what’s the point?

David Deida introduces the astute concept of 3 stages of relationships. The first stage is characterized by the traditional 1950’s gender roles and sexually differentiated co-dependence and power struggles. Stage two is the “fifty-fifty”, where equality reigns supreme, we have sexually neutralized co-independence and cooperation, and our main aspiration is really just to get along. Stage three is where we finally break free of the more timid and passionless aspects of the second-stage and our partners begin to open us up to the universe more than we could ever open ourselves alone. Which leads me to – if one plus one only equals two……then what IS the point of being in relationship? We must strive to annihilate fear, be vulnerable, and allow ourselves to be opened wide.

  1. Love expands, it doesn’t deplete

One of the most common misconceptions of polyamory is that if you are loving and giving attention to someone else, it will take away from the love you have to give to your other partner (s). Many are overwhelmed at the thought of “maintaining” multiple girlfriends/boyfriends. But think about the way parents love their first child. When they add additional siblings, their love multiplies – it doesn’t divide. This same concept is true for polyamory.

  1. If you love them, let them go

This idea is the hardest for most to wrap their minds around, but it is the answer to “What if he/she falls in love with someone else?” One of the keys for me was getting to a place where, if my partner fell in love and would be happier with someone else – I would never ever want to keep him from that. I want him to be with me because he wants to be, not out of some weird obligation or fear for my well being.  In terms of a polyamorous union, this is sort of a catch 22. If he falls in love with someone else – that’s fine because he doesn’t have to choose, so the likelihood of a separation is slim to none. This is the beauty of open love.

  1. Let go of your attachment to a particular outcome

Even the big ones like “growing old together”. Your commitment must be to each other’s happiness and personal growth. Even though you may picture yourselves together forever, sometimes to love someone in the deepest way is to let them go if that’s what will serve their higher self. Practicing non-attachment also makes seeking and/or entertaining new partners drama free. If you ask someone for their phone number, they may not give it to you. If you share an emotional connection, it might not translate to the physical. Appreciate everything simply for what it is and not for what you expect it to be.

  1. Reactions and feelings of others are not your responsibility

I’m not telling you to go around treating people like shit and not caring, but know what is yours to carry and what is not. As long as you are in your integrity and are existing as your authentic self then the emotional well being or approval of others shouldn’t drive your boat or take up your precious energy. If someone doesn’t approve of your lifestyle, if someone has hurt feelings because you don’t feel the same way about them, if someone feels awkward in your presence or because of your actions, etc. – have compassion, but know when to stop and recognize that it’s their shit, not yours.

  1. Everything is an opportunity for reflection

If you find feelings of jealousy or insecurity popping up, if you don’t like the man/woman your partner is suddenly interested in, if you find yourself needing lots of rules and guidelines, or are feeling anything negative or uncomfortable – look at it. Really look at it. Most of the time we are in reaction mode and are just dealing with the surface issue (it’s not really about the dishes in the sink or the face that she was late again). If you dig deep and take it all the way – you’ll be amazed at what you find and what you can let go of. This can be exhausting though and you must be willing to do it. That’s one of the great things about Poly – you’re always bumping up against old belief systems, finding things that need healthy reprogramming, and making room for the new.

  1. Give toxic people the boot

When treading through socially awkward territory like polyamory, you are sure to push the buttons of mainstream friends and family, and even of people that you thought you knew. They may feel threatened by the freedom of polyamory, and by your new found happiness in opening up your life to more love. Perhaps they wish they could do it themselves and are experiencing jealousy, perhaps they are in an unsatisfactory relationship and can’t find a way out, and perhaps they are simply living in fear of change. Everyone has their own path and discovers life in their own time frame. Surround yourself with non-judgmental, open-minded friends so that you can all be inspired by your dreams and celebrate your differences. Don’t waste too much time on people who are unwilling to support your happiness and curiosity.

What Girls Think About While A Guy is Going Down on Them. (or maybe it’s just me)

Ooooo, oh yeah. I like that. He’s licking my inner thigh. I wonder if it’s because it mentioned that in the “Top 15 tips for eating pussy” article earlier. Hmmmm….ass licking isn’t my favorite thing but I don’t not like it. I’m neutral to it so I don’t mind him doing it because I know he really likes it. Man, my taint is so thick. What an amazing muscle. I can’t imagine ripping that in child birth. Oh my god, birth. No. Don’t start thinking about birth right now. Wait. He just licked my asshole and now he’s licking my pussy. Can I get a UTI that way? Isn’t that how girls get UTI’s? From putting stuff that was in their butt directly into their pussy without washing it and the poo particles and all of that? Well, my ass was clean because I just showered. Oh, crap. I didn’t set a timer for those beans in the oven. They’re probably ok. I doubt it’s been 90 minutes. I wonder if I have the stuff to make the salad dressing. Oh, yeah. I like fingers inside of my pussy. I wonder if he put in one finger or two. Is it weird that I can’t tell? Should I be able to tell? I wonder if that means my vagina is loose because I can’t tell. Either way it feels good so that’s all that matters. I wonder what kind of sex we’re going to have after this. I kinda wanna get on top but I also wanna be pounded too. I wonder if my milk is defrosted so I can make my banana horchata. I really want to watch Sherlock. Why do I keep thinking about that show? I want a cold nectarine in my mouth right after this. I wonder if he has a boner right now. I wonder what he thinks about while he’s going down on me?

(by the way, shortly after I slipped into orgasmic bliss and wasn’t thinking about anything, but it definitely takes me a minute initially to wind down and my thoughts definitely are going a mile a minute for the first couple of minutes.)

Was it cat sex or was it a human noise?

Our friend Ben sleeps over sometimes and we always have fun and say great things.

Ben: Katie, you’re like a pornographic cartoon character.

Katie: But this isn’t pornographic.

Ben: I k now. but you’re not wholesome enough to be in a regular cartoon. You’re rhetoric would have to be censored and that’s just not possible.

*****************

Kris: You’re like a cat.

Katie: Oh yeah? Well – you’re like a dog. That rapes cats.

*****************

(this said after Kris amazingly avoided me smacking his ballsack)

Ben: Damn, Kris was like a ninja. He’s Captain Reflex.

Kris: She beats my balls all the goddamn time. I’m always lookin out for them.

*********

(Kris on being confused by wanting to be fucked in the ass by a real penis even though he can’t jerk off the gay scenarios)

Kris: I tried jerking off to that scenario, but I couldn’t do it. Had to switch to the females, so…I don’t know.

Ben: Well, that’s ok. You’re not gay. You’re not like into dudes. You are a heterosexual man that just wants to feel a real live flesh dick in his ass. You don’t want to like make out with the guy.

***********

Ben: I just want to inspire the idea that you don’t have to take a path that’s been paved or laid out for you.

Katie: Right. You really can have exactly what you want.

*********

Ben: May I get the tray of offerings?

Kris: Yeah, if you know where it is.

Ben: I do.

Ben (5 minutes later) I retract my statement about knowing where it is……

*********

Kris: What was that noise?

Katie: Was it cat sex or was it a human noise?

Ben: I think it was chickens.

Kris: Chickens aren’t awake right now.

Katie: Doesn’t mean they won’t squawk when someones eatin’ em. Could be a saw, too.

Kris: Open the door so we can hear better.

Ben: No, just listen. Shhh!

(silence)

Katie: Ok, yeah. It’s either an elephant or a circular saw.

Kris: Well i guess it’s an elephant then. Who the fuck would be using circular saw at this hour?

*********

Katie: Bwahahahahahahahha! I was trying to tap Ben’s taint and got his butthole. My aim is off because Kriss taint is so above averagely large.