I feel like I’m in a grey area of the magic of life lately.

I feel like I’m in a grey area of the magic of life lately.
Lately meaning this entire fucking year.

It’s hard to keep your boner for life when so many things keep not happening.
I know this is just my perception, really.
And I tell myself that if it’s meant to be, it will be.
If it didn’t happen, it wasn’t supposed to.
But I know this is just a bunch of shit I tell myself to try to make even a sliver of sense of it.

People say this too shall pass. And I do believe that.
I have flashes of knowing that there is plenty about this time in my life that I will actually miss.

I get scared sometimes though.
Some people never get out of it.

I was at yoga the other day and randomly ran into an old acquaintance.
She asked how we were doing and I said, “This year has been rough”.
I told her I felt like we were starting to come out of it, but it had been a struggle in every way: financially, with friends, family, work, creativity, health.

She said, “Oh yeah. To struggle financially. That is so draining. We’ve been struggling….well…..since little *Timmie was born.”
*name changed to protect privacy.

And I though, “Holy fucking shit, little Timmie is ten years old.”
WHOA.

And Kris’ grandparents — they’re on a very small fixed income living out the last years of their life.

I tell myself I’ll be different simply because I want something different.
And because I believe it’s possible.
Because I believe in myself.
And because there are sooooooo many things to be grateful for, even on the worst day.

I wonder sometimes if I do believe in myself.
But that question isn’t really a question.
Because if I didn’t believe in myself I wouldn’t still be trying.

This past month I’ve been getting rid of so much physical shit — fueled by the intense desire to move something, anything.

I found myself getting rid of birth books, placenta encapsulation supplies, Airbnb hosting stuff.
And I found myself purchasing things I hadn’t purchased in years — laundry soap, fancy hand soap, pre ground spices.

I remarked that so many major things in my life had come to a close.
I was no longer doing birth work.
My placenta encapsulation business came to an unexpected halt.
Airbnb can suck my dick because they’ve changed so much.
And I’m no longer obsessed with DIY fucking everything.
I don’t want to buy a shit load of ginger, dehydrate and grind it.
I want to just buy it at Costco.

I keep wondering what will come next.
But that’s a weird question because a lot of those things have been closed for some time now.
And still nothing new has come in its place.

In addition to wondering, I’ve been observing what has stuck.
What friends are still.
What principles I still have.
What knowledge has really cemented.
What parts of me are going to be true forever, if any.

And that’s the magic of life, isn’t it?
That everything is temporary and we’re just along for the ride.
That we never really know anything.

Mani – I laughed out loud about the DIY fucking everything. Relatable. I’ve been in and out of love with DIY everything for the past 22 yrs. Haha! Also, your observing what has stuck. So. Much. Yes.

Joell – “That everything is temporary and we’re just along for the ride.
That we never really know anything.” BINGO baby.

Jena Schwartz “I just want to buy it at Costco.” Title!!!!

Emily – Agreed! That stopped me in my tracks. YES!
I, too, find myself asking so many of these questions. I am both at peace and desperate to make meaning of it all, desperate to be present but also to leave an imprint on this world. How? It’s hard.
I loved these lines: “In addition to wondering, I’ve been observing what has stuck.
What friends are still.
What principles I still have.
What knowledge has really cemented.
What parts of me are going to be true forever, if any.” What is constant and also in flux.

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