Okay, so – I sliced up my finger.
In immersion/stick blender.
While it was on.
(I have pictures if you want to see. Some people are super into that.)
So that’s why I’ve ghosted these past couple of weeks.
It’s still bandaged now, but I am able to type — though with only 9 fingers. It’s amazing how my brain instantly just adapted though. Like I am legit lightening fire typing with nine fingers. How weird is that? It’s my left index finger, too. Which is pretty key.
I am tired of people who can’t handle their own emotions.
Can’t identify them. Can’t express them. Run away from them.
Kris and I had this thing where we each know that the other is totally emotionally autonomous, which means we have the freedom to say anything to each other. This makes fights and disagreements super easy because we don’t have to worry about the other one taking it so personally and wasting hours with their defensive wall in the way.
I have this same dynamic in a few friendships that are near and dear to my heart. I can say — you’re being an asshole right now. You hurt my feelings. Please don’t do that again. You’re a shitty person. We can’t just be friends when it’s convenient for you. I want to be there for you when it’s not pretty – don’t ghost me when things are shitty. I want to see it all and I want you to see me too.
My emotional transparency has been a great way to weed out people who aren’t genuine.
It’s funny how most people can’t handle the truth. Or emotions. Or real conversations.
They just ghost you. It’s too much. You’re too much. They want to hide and you don’t.
I’m noticing spiritual bypassing a lot lately. Example A — I shared with a friend some very upsetting things I had found out about another friend’s horrific childhood. We’ve shared a lot of intense stuff with each other, so I didn’t hesitate for a second to share this with her.
Her response? “The Taoists believe those who suffer the most are on the fast track to enlightenment.”
That made my blood boil. Fucking enlightenment? What the fuck even is that anyway? I’m pretty sure me friend would trade every moment of her childhood abuse for fucking enlightenment.
She followed it up with saying that she found solace in that thought.
I said I didn’t think the Taoists would reduce/label “extreme emotional, physical and sexual abuse of a child” under “suffering in the name of enlightenment”.
I haven’t heart anything more from her and probably won’t for a while, if ever.
What I think happened? She was triggered by the info I shared and instead of just saying that, she starts spouting off some bullshit taoist quote and shut the conversation down.
I’m talking about my actual friend who experienced actual abuse.
You’re talking about some vague concept of enlightenment.
We are not having the same conversation.
Could I have perhaps made her aware of that? Hey — I feel like I may have triggered you with that info and I’m so very sorry if that’s what happened.
Why didn’t I do that? Why don’t I want to?
Because I don’t want to babysit her.
I don’t want to coach anyone thru getting in touch with their feelings.
I just don’t have the patience, you know?
I’m intense, I’m all in, I’m too much for most.
I was struck by the quote, “I wonder if it will ever stop, or is this just who I am?”
I think about that a lot.
All of these things I want to be better at, to achieve, to conquer.
Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel settled? Will there ever be a moment where I’ve arrived?
Probably not. Sometimes I imagine that only happens when you die.
Because life is for living. For exploring.
Even if it’s simple things like yes — I’ve now made my millions and I’m kicking it in my Italian villa, but — I’m always up for a new restaurant, a new brand of coffee, a new book, a new film, new friends. Life is good, but it’s never too full to turn away opportunities for more sweetness, more adventure and more love.
Recently I messaged a friend asking if we could stay at her place the night of a concert. It took her a minute to respond and I remember thinking that whatever it was, just say it. Whether the answer is yes or no or I don’t know — just say it.
She wrote back and said she didn’t know yet. She’d had a few miscarriages over the years and was now pregnant again. The weekend we wanted to stay was just a few days after she passed a significant date for her and when she’d have a scan that would confirm some important things. “If the baby and me are fine”, she said “then we would totally be up for hosting you guys…..but if the baby is dead or I’m in danger — I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for company. Sorry to be morbid and also not have a clear answer, but there you go.”
I wrote her the most celebratory message back. I told her how much I appreciated her honesty and that her answer was in fact totally clear and I loved her for it.
Because you know what happens in situation like that where you don’t hear back? You make up a bunch of shit in your head. You think you’re not important or they’re an asshole or you’re a loser and they’re selfish.
But the truth just deflates all of that.
We once had a guy interview for our spare room. He pretended to be vegan because he thought that would impress us. Which didn’t make any sense because obviously he lived in our house and we saw what he actually ate.
I want to tell everyone – you don’t have to be afraid of me.
You don’t have to be who you think I want you to be.
Just show up and be genuine. Even if that means you’re a blubbering, weepy mess.
I’m not going to judge you.
I was never asking for perfection or for things to go my way.
I just want the truth.
It ain’t always pretty, but it’s perfect.