Yesssss. This prompt. So juicy, so good, so timely.
I’m writing an e-course on how to live a life of freedom and I was working on the second module today, which is all about healthy relationships and setting boundaries and eliminating guilt. I know the importance of presenting this concept, yet I found myself struggling to even write about it because caring what people think is so far removed from my reality. Not speaking my mind is rarely an option – it pains me to compartmentalize so it is an automatic last resort. In writing that section I had to go oh so far back and dig so deep to the memory of when I did care – to the place of compassion for people who are still there – like I once was.
While I do speak my mind about things that pertain directly to me, I have honed an intuition on when to share what I think about other people. I’m pretty good at sensing when they’re open to hearing it, and when they just need someone to listen – when the best thing I can do is soften, open, receive them and love them exactly where they are. Even if I think it’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard and they’re totally standing in their own way. I get it. We all get there in our own time. Who am I to say?
But then there’s times when you do say the things. I have a beautiful goddess glorious friend who accidentally made a baby with the most hideous ogre beast of a man to ever walk the Earth. She hides behind “we’re coparenting” and “the baby chose us” and all of this new agey shit. The other day she was telling me how she wanted to go on this retreat in a few months and how she was terrified to bring it up with her coparent, knowing he would throw a fit and guilt trip her into not going. So she called HIS mom to arrange for her to fly to town during the retreat to help him with the kid. God forbid he be a dad for three days on his own. So then she brought it up to him – timidly, saying she had everythign worked out and his mom was coming and she’d give him a list of baby sitters and blah blah blah. And then he said she should go, it’d be good for her, etc. And she says to me, “See? We’re just so connected right now. I just love it. It’s times like that where I’m reminded of how good I have it.” And I was like HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE YOU ARE DELUSION. And I told her that if she was really “connected” with this asshole that she wouldn’t have had a pit in her stomach for days, been nervous to bring it up, and had to call his mom first. And she was like, “FUCK YOU’RE RIGHT I’M SO STUPID I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.”
So it’s those times where it’s like all you have to do is practice reflective listen and say their own words right back to them.
I have this other friend right now who presents herself as a strong, confident, independent woman and along with that she is fiercely private with her life. She was going on and on about being private and not wanting to do such and such thing because she wasn’t sure if she could trust and and blah blah blah and I was thinking – Stop hiding behind being private. It’s not about privacy, it’s about you being fucking terrified. I’m sure you’ve been burned before – someone told your secret, someone betrayed your trust. But that doesn’t mean everyone will for all of time. And look how much this is holding you back. You’re not saying yes to life because of the fear that you’re making up. And fear of what, really? Of your “secrets” getting out – of people really knowing you? Or being vulnerable? Or being embarassed? It all comes down to – who gives a fuck. Really. Is it worth all of that time and energy? I think not. Can we stop talking about this now? Can we just say yes and move forward and create things and collaborate and dream and travel and write and take walks and just stop giving a fuck?